When the universe nearly ended this week, we all got to thinking: if this really were the end of all things, what would we have on our bucket lists?

IRREVERENT's End of the Universe Bucket List

  1. Dance with Betty White
  2. Recreate technology for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Erase Bush years. For everyone.
  3. Ride an industrial dryer
  4. Make a bucket list for irrmag.com
  5. Educate people on the dangers of yo-yo diets. Inform them not to consume yo-yos like I did.
  6. Sing to the manatees.
  7. Gather ye rosebuds in May.
  8. Sell a well written sci fi show to Fox and then have it cancelled after the first season cause it didn't have any ratings even though Fox never aired the first episode and then per-empted other episodes there by never giving it a chance to get a following and then have hundreds of fans write in to get it made into a movie but still not bring it back even though it was one of the best shows of our time. Kinda like Firefly. Just sayin'
  9. Self proclaim self as master of self proclaimers.
  10. Think of something really funny for #10.
  11. Shave reverse mohawk into crotchal region. Tell girls I'm related to Larry of 3 Stooges fame.
  12. Eat Green Eggs and Ham
  13. Ride an industrial dryer (make sure to leave door open this time.)
  14. Ask MC Escher WTF he was thinking.
  15. Propose to 50 women. Set a wedding date. See who shows up. Allow hilarity to ensue.
  16. Go crab fishing on the Bering Sea stark naked.
  17. Party hard with Robert Downey.
  18. Organize a gay-pride flash mob outside Republican National Committee headquarters in Washington dancing to "YMCA" by the Village People. Every day for a week at wildly unpredictable times.
  19. Hit Bill Gates in the face with a banana cream pie.
  20. Pay a skinhead to give that rapey IMF guy a taste of his own medicine.
  21. Initiate the wave at a major sporting event.
  22. Prank call everyone in Congress by asking for Mr. I. P. Freely.
  23. Wrangle a horse.
  24. Fly to London and set Big Ben behind by 10 minutes. Wait until they correct it. Then set it ahead by 10 minutes.
  25. Produce a 3-D pornographic remake of "Dr. Doolittle."
  26. Run with scissors.
  27. Convince at least one person that I am a descendent of Christ's older brother, Bob Christ, the atheist.
  28. Remove the toilet paper from every bathroom during a rock concert.
  29. Sneak into the MoMA in New York and place a child's grade-school drawing someplace prominent, and see how long it takes before anyone seriously questions it.
  30. Write a funny and original comic cop-show and sell it to FOX, make sure they hide it on Friday's at 8pm, and that it gets cancelled after one lousy season. Kinda like "The Good Guys," I'm just saying.
  31. Tell Guido "The Ax" Garmotti that you just had sex with his wife. Tell him it was ok, but things really heated up when his mom got involved.
  32. Figure out why all the fan boys like Firefly.
  33. Look for Joss Whedon's career.
  34. Join the Church of Satan. You'll be spending a lot of time together.
  35. Join the Amish...best to have all your bases covered.
  36. Play hide and seek with fresh hamburger, your pants, and a police dog.
  37. Remove the troops from Afghanistan like you said you would.
  38. Pass a comprehensive health care plan like you said you would.
  39. Close Gitmo like you said you would.
  40. Find a pattern to the last three entries.
  41. Practice some jokes. God has a sense of humor.
  42. Find jokes that aren't filthy and start "A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor walk into a bondage club." God doesn't have *that* kind of a sense of humor.
  43. Become friends with Lloyd Blankfein. He's doing God's work, maybe he'll put in a good word for you.
  44. Finally put a man on the moon.
  45. Write a fucking Some of the People column.

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