IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

Dear T-Bag,

A bunch of guys at work are harshing my mellow. All they can do is say “no” to everything I want to do. Now it looks like the company may hire more dudes just like them! I could be out of a job in a couple of years! How can I work around them?

POTUS in DC

Dear Pot guy,

You know what harshes my mellow? No smoking in bars. So, I can’t pollute the lungs of people sitting next to me, but those same people can pollute their liver. I mean, you have TWO lungs, but only ONE liver, so what gives?? Did these health nuts come to the bar on their way to the YMCA?? Oooohhh, it’s bad for the bartender....Hey barkeep! Pick three letters: MGD or GED. While you’re deciding, suck some carcinogens and get my ass some liver killing puke fuel.

Listen Potty, I can see that you live in DC, and we know that place is filled with a bunch of non-contributing organ sacks on both sides of the aisle. But it’s not all bad over there, I’ve heard thousands are getting together in my honor and having T.Bag Parties. The point is- you need to leverage people; find the ones that will say ‘yes’ to get you what you want. You know, like screwing an ugly girl- of course she’ll say yes, so g’head and do your thing. But if she doesn’t put out even once, go to the next girl. What does she think we’re dating or something? haha

Pot us? That’s awesome, dude. Pot me while you’re at it. So people at work keep telling you ‘no’ for the things you want to do, huh? Did you make a promise to anyone that you’d actually DO those things? Cause, if you did, it’s time to pony up, pal. Let me guess, you blame the other side and use them as an excuse for not getting things done, don’t you? Well, if that’s the case, you must have the lowest office in the nation.

So here’s what you need to do preppy potamus:

1) Forget what the last guy in your position did. Even if he screwed things up, stop bitchin’ about it.

2) If the people you rely on are failing, let them fail, don’t bail them out. It’s kinda like feeding the third world- sure they’ll eat today, but there’s just going to be more of them tomorrow.

3) Are there other branches at work that share your views? It’s always good to have your friends be a majority in those branches. I guarantee you’ll get things done then.

4) Now, if someone does tell you ‘no’, I know a couple people in DC that can ‘take care’ of the problem (Corpse Initiation Advocates or something…). I’ve made some calls, send me your work address. Is your office hard to find?

5) Lastly, and most importantly, make sure your right hand man knows exactly what he’s doing too. No sense in having a babbling idiot make you look bad.

C’mon man, don’t you know this stuff already? Heck, even a community organizer would be smart enough to figure this out. Also, you gotta keep HOPE alive- anyone ever tell you that? Hey, what the hell does POTUS stand for anyway…?

T.BAG