IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

Dear T.BAG,

I set up a Ponzi scheme 10 years ago and have involved hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars in it. Nobody knows! Recently, I started noticing a weird pain in my stomach and headaches when I accept a new “investor” in the fraud. Should I see a chiropractor?

Marty in New Jersey

Dear sMarty in NJ,

Who’s Ponzi? Wasn’t that a guy on Happy Days? No, that was Fonzie….or was it Potsie? Who names their kid Potsie? haha. Maybe it was like the Roberts family that named their kid ‘Cokie’. If I have a kid, I’ll name him Methy. If Fonzie and Potsie had a kid they would have to name it Ponzi. That child would be the result of an unholy union in the back of Arnold’s Drive In. That child would be ugly. Maybe that’s what Chachi was...

Dude, did you even have a question? What the hell.

I stepped outside to ask someone what a Ponzi Scheme is. Some old man in my neighborhood told me it’s kind of like a Pyramid Scheme where investors put in money because the top guy is lying about the exorbitant returns- eventually, it falls apart when people find out the money doesn’t exist. Then the old man told me that I shouldn’t walk outside wearing nothing but a bath robe. So I took it off. Then he got upset and said I shouldn’t be standing on the sidewalk naked- why the hell did I comb my body hair this morning if people are just going to be picky?

So I set off to find out more about Pyramid Schemes. Luckily there was a schmuck walking around selling encyclopedias - evidently he’s never heard of the interwebs. First he tried to run away and screamed, “Why are you naked?!?” After I threw a garden gnome at him I was able to borrow the Encyclopedia with pyramids in it. That’s when I found out a lot about Ancient Egypt. Unfortunately that ass hammer garden gnomed me in the back of the head and borrowed his book back- but I still learned a lot, here’s the gist:

Did you know Ancient Egypt had a large number of financial institutions? Yeah, places like – The West Bank, Tutankamon-ey, Value of the Kings, etc. You’d get a free obelisk with every account you opened. Unfortunately, back then they didn’t have the wonderful checks and balances we have these days that prevent financial crises from occurring. Instead, like giant stone mattresses, Pyramids were built to keep money, treasure, and dead bodies safe from thieves. Evidently, necrophilia was rampant in ancient Egypt. Probably.

Unfortunately, Egypt had a lot of problems that eventually led to the devaluation of their monetary system. They weren’t smart enough to have a written language so they just drew pictures. I can draw pictures too; I don’t call it a language. “Hey Horace, you owe me three owls and a weird shaped eye thingy.” See, that’s not going to work. Also, one of the local sororities (The Nile Delta Delta Delta) had an initiation where they’d steal the noses off statues. This devalued the art considerably. And of course, the river flooded their farms every year and thousands would die. So the loss there is obvious, yep- hot farmer’s daughters. Who’s going to go against daddy’s will and strip at the local Drinks and Spinxxx if there’s no more hot farmer’s daughters?? This is an IMPORTANT part of any economy.

Needful to say, by the time they pulled their money, treasure, and bodies out of the Pyramids, it was all worthless. Hence the name- Pyramid Scheme. Also, probably. Really though, I should know, I borrowed one of those toilet paper wrapped bodies from the local museum and I can’t sell it to anyone. Possibly because it makes my basement stink. I’d have more money if I got a nickel for every time someone said, “Why does it smell like dead bodies down here…?” Anyway, sounds like your Ponzi Scheme will be just as worthless. So the answer is- yes, you should see a chiropractor, they are equally worthless.

-T.BAG

PS- Have you ever sat naked on a well manicured lawn with garden gnomes? It’s quite exquisite.