NEW YORK - The once venerable Wall Street fixture Dewey-Cheetum Global (DCG) filed for bankruptcy protection this morning following several boneheaded moves.
Dewey-Cheetum chief Reuben Corey announced the decision today just hours after realizing it was all he could possibly do. "We have exhausted every option that our consultants thought of for us," said a very frank Corey in an ad hoc conference call today with investors. "Unfortunately, those consulting fees represent the last $11 million this firm has to its name. Thus, having squandered the funds you, our investors have entrusted to us -- admittedly, not a brilliant move on your part -- we must call it quits. The fat lady is singing."
The news was met with cool neutrality by most traders, who had already discounted DCG over 80% from it's three-year high of $9.52 a share, hacking off another $1.20 by the lunch time today. "DCG has been on the ropes ever since [CEO Reuben Corey] took over," said Celsus Sarkisian, senior financial industry analyst at Buckman-Wheaty. "If this guy [Corey] owned a funeral home, no one would die. He'd f*** up a one car accident."
[inset pos=right]"This guy's lucky [investors] aren't going to his home and hitting him with bags of oranges." - Bernanke[/inset]Others have pointed to more fundamental reasons for DCG's collapse. "About five years ago, they [DCG] got seriously into canned edible seaweed for the North American market," said Alpertti Engel, a commodities analyst at Nayflower-Seydwick. "They invested $200 million in a company called 'SeaEats,' to start marketing this stuff on the east coast. It went bankrupt last year. Apparently nobody wanted to eat cajun-flavored seaweed in Boston," Engel added sarcastically. "Go figure."
Rumors of a possible federal bailout of the firm circulated briefly after lunch, but were quickly extinguished. "There is no way we will be funding a bailout of these bozos," said Fed Chairman Ben S. Bernanke. "[CEO Reuben Corey] can barely tie his shoes let alone run anything. Edible seaweed? In America? This guy's lucky [investors] aren't going to his home and hitting him with bags of oranges."
Credit: Agamitsudo
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