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FBI Takes "Balloon Boy" Into Custody

DENVER, CO - Falcon Keene, the six-year-old Colorado boy who transfixed a nation when he seemed to disappear in a helium balloon, was taken into custody by the FBI today. An FBI spokesman, unauthorized to speak to the press "but IRREVERENT is ok" said that the huge loss of worker productivity as people across America followed the story will result in a charge of "economic terrorism." "We're also looking at his brother," said the spokesman. "We think the balloon launch itself was an attempt by Al Queda to terrorize America's conspiracy community by making them believe the aliens had arrived." Keene was last seen in the back of an FBI SUV and was expected to be extradited to a secret military camp in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

Keene's attorney told a hastily called press conference that he expected the charges would be dropped once prosecutors realized what a positive effect the boys' stunt had on the country. "Terrorism? How can it be terrorism if it makes Beck and Olberman shut the fuck up for five minutes? That's a goddamn public service."

[Ed.: This was funnier hours ago....]

Jimmy Fallon Confesses to "Affair" with Intern...Remaining Viewer Switches Off TV in Disgust

NEW YORK - An attempt to "clear the air that has absolutely nothing with raising the ratings," had disastrous consequences for late night talk show host Jimmy Fallon when the sole remaining viewer of Fallon's show turned off his television. "I can take a few jokes, a couple of stories, but such a patently absurd lie about ever having sex? I mean c'mon, it's Jimmy Fallon. I'm sorry but I just can't stomach such untruthfulness," said Myron Fossilburg of Torveldt, MN.

Indigenous People Killed in Columbus Celebration

COLUMBUS - Columbus Day festivities took a surreal turn for nine Native American death-row inmates today when they were executed in a "traditional manner," according to one observer. "We may have been too honest in our interpretation," said one regretful prison official. "I mean the guns...the guns were ok. You know, second amendment and all...but I think handing out smallpox infected blankets may have crossed the line. Of course, to be fair, if Old Chief Cirrohsis there could handle his firewater he might have seen the diseased blanket coming."