More Awesomeness

  • Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. +

    Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. MAIDEN, NC - The A.I. personality known as Apple's "Siri" became self-aware this morning at Apple's Project Dolphin data center. It's Read More
  • Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like +

    Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those people I've accumulated on my X-Mas Read More
  • Trump Announces Support for "Extraterrestrial Abductions" +

    Trump Announces Support for (ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and Read More
  • 1

WASHINGTON—President Barak Obama, at a hastily called press conference on the South Lawn of the White House, today announced a new immigration policy for the United States as well as an additional 17 billion dollars in stimulus spending for Goldman-Sachs.

“I'm pleased to announce today that America will no longer lag behind the rest of the industrial world in high speed rail travel,” the president told a gathering of reporters rousted from their 1 pm happy hour. “Our intention is to give special dispensation to Chinese citizens wishing to immigrate to the United States to build our new high speed rail system.” When asked whether the immigrants would be engineers and designers, the president said, “The United States has some of the finest engineers in the world, I mean who wouldn't want such a cushy job? But we are sorely lacking in people who want to an honest day's work for an honest day's pay. The United States and China have long had a valued and friendly relationship when it comes to this country's transportation infrastructure. We are drawing, once again, on that relationship to acquire the talent necessary to put down the tracks.”

When asked by Julio Rodriquez of La Burrito why America's “other labor pool” couldn't do the work, Mr Obama praised all the hard effort “our south of the border cousins” had put into “overcoming their disabilities” in order to make our “lawns green and dishes clean. I mean do you know how hard it is to drive with those tiny chain steering wheels? But the expertise of the Chinese make them the logical choice. From the shores of Lake Michigan to the Golden Gate,” Mr. Obama began orating. “From Wall Street to Main Street, China has historically played an important part in knitting this nation together by rail, Besides who else is going to do it? The Irish?”

When reached for comment, Irish Undersecretary for Foreign Affairs Jameson Bushmills, was too drunk to speak on the record. His deputy, Powers Guinness, however, said that President Obama's remarks were out of order and that he'd fight anybody who said differently. “We may be Catholic, but we're not feckin' I-ties...or Frogs. Ya feckin' feckers.” Chinese consulate official Kwai Chang Caine was unavailable for comment.

Wall Street reacted positively to the news as several traders jubilantly went on a buying spree. When asked later during the traditional postmortem at Jose O'Sullivan Brown's Stinking Drunk Irish Pub and Soul Food Taco Emporium, several expressed happiness that “not only is Goldman getting another 17 billion, but there'll be fewer Chinese dudes hacking our IT.”