IRREVERENT News

WASHINGTON - Speaking to supporters today, Republican Governor Rick Perry clarified his position on evolution.

"I strongly reject the so-called theory that says gene regulation is responsible for phenotypic evolution and the emergence of complex adaptions," Perry said to supporters, who remained motionless and silent. "I know it's been fashionable to dismiss the effect of DNA sequence mutations in protein-coding exons, but I find that to be a much more revealing theory when looking at how a species adapt to their changing environment!"

"Furthermore, I think using mitochondrial DNA comparisons to test species divergence is methodologically unsound!" Confused supporters remained silent.

"That's why I say evolution is bullshit!" Immediately the crowd erupted in wild cheering and applause.

"Sure, Perry can go on and on about gene regulation and DNA sequence mutations as a blatant play to get votes," said Rep. Michele Bachmann. "But I reject organic evolution by natural selection with random mutations for entirely epistemological reasons. Yes, the scientific evidence is well established, but the correlation between biology and consciousness in higher-order species is tenuous at best! We cannot elect anyone to the highest office of the land -- the presidency of the United States -- who has such a simple grasp of epistemological rigor over such a fundamental philosophical issue, let alone his absurd theories on morphological divergence!"

"That's why I say evolution is bullshit too!" Bachmann concluded.

Wall Street viewed both candidates announcements with a cool detachment, spiking pharma shares while punishing oil futures. When reached for a post-close comment, the Street looked at me with the bored indifference usually reserved for a John Kerry speech, before offering me a shot of vodka and a steak at Morton's.

Photo Credit: Flickr/Gage Skidmore