IRREVERENT News

WASHINGTON - Testifying before congress, Fed. Chair Ben Bernanke predicted "extremely strong and vigorous growth" for his "beard... but not the economy."

"I can see a time when my beard reaches truly Grizzly Adams like length and girth," Bernanke told legislators. "With some attention to grooming and continued vigorous treatments with Rogaine, my beard could double or even triple in volume... unlike this economy. That puppy's a goner."

The members of the Senate Banking Committee listened to the news in stunned silence. "If you're going through that much Rogaine anyway, why not use it on your head too?" asked Senator Corker (R-TN) after a long pause. "I mean Dan Haggerty, well he had a full head of hair as well as the beard, didn't he?" asked Senator Menendez (D-NJ). "I didn't know Rogaine worked on beards," added Senator Hagan (D-NC).

Bernanke continued his testimony with a long and sometimes rambling discussion of interest rates, the dollar's value and oil prices, and how each of them related in some way to his beard. "Monetary policy," said Bernanke, "is structured in a way to increase growth expectations, exactly like my beard. In turn, this feeds commodity prices, like my full-bodied beard feeds the vigorous image of a manly outdoorsman."

Business leaders mostly reacted favorably to the Fed. Chairman's message. "I couldn't agree more with Ben's sentiments," said billionaire businessman Larry Ellison. "I, too use a vigorous Rogaine treatment with my beard. Unlike Ben, though, I have a head of hair like a lion's mane, comparatively speaking."

Wall Street reacted favorably to Bernanke's message, sending shares of Rogaine up sharply on strong mid-afternoon buying pressure. Hopes were dashed by closing, however, when investors got word that their reservations at the trendy new bistro "Les Grande Burger" in Manhattan were cancelled as the restaurant already went bankrupt.