HAWAII - The billionaire owner of Ellison Island (aka Lana'i, Hawaii) announced today his island will feature a solid gold statue of himself welcoming visitors.
At 305 feet, the 24 carat gold statue will be the single largest freestanding structure ever constructed out of precious metals, consisting of an estimated 2,167 "good delivery" 400 oz gold bars. The statue will weigh nearly 36 tons and be worth in excess of $1.3 billion at today's gold prices, nearly twice the estimated value of the island itself.
Local ellisonians were elated when Ellison unveiled his plans at the newly constructed "Ellison Dome," giving their owner a standing ovation lasting nearly 20 minutes. Outside the dome, a ceremonial fire was being tended by island officials, who then immolated three calves and 20 chickens in their new owner's name.
"Under my wise leadership, you will see my island grow considerably from where it is today," Ellison said at the ceremony, donning a bejeweled crown. "In fact, I demand a minimum of a 20% return on my money, otherwise I shall have to impose harsh punishments and penalties unto thee, including plagues, wraths and much smiting of unprofitable infidels, which includes anyone not contributing to the bottometh line."
At each pause, the chanting ellisonians bowed in unison, their arms outstretched. This went on for well over two hours.
Construction of the golden statue is expected to take several years, and require enormous smelting pots, which are already under construction by the native ellisonians. Purchasing the necessary gold, meanwhile, is expected to drive up already expensive world gold prices and make Ellison's statue the earth's 50th largest gold reserve, replacing Peru with 34.7 tons.
"We could be looking at a thirty or forty dollar an ounce price jump, just due to Ellison's buying," said Blas Morse, gold analyst with Bernum-Markel Commodities. "In essence, it's like Brazil buying it's entire gold reserve all at once, except in this case not putting it away to stabilize your national economy, but to construct a giant statue of yourself for everyone to worship."
Other billionaires were mostly silent, with the sole exception of Bill Gates, who had previously rented the entire island for his wedding. "What an awesome idea," Gates commented, before calling his broker.
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