WASHINGTON - The FBI today unveiled the results of its five year, $22 million study into early twentieth century criminals, concluding that "by and large, criminals of yesteryear were far more dapper than today."
"Criminals just don't try as hard anymore," said FBI spokesman and lead researcher Ivan Burlinski. "Back in the day, even hardened psychopaths and degenerates bothered to put on a smart fedora or ascot. They really made an effort and it showed in their mugshots."
Criminologists like Harvard's Charles Milles Manson Chair of Criminal Psychology Jennifer Ruebel were quick to agree. "I couldn't agree more," Ruebel agreed. "By and large, the criminal element of our great-grandfathers were not only more dapper and sporting than today, but substantially more dignified by twenty-first century standards. For instance, it's hard to imagine Lucky Luciano laughing uproariously at a woman violently defecating into a bathroom sink, as in say 'Bridesmaids.' I'd venture even the well seasoned killer of hundreds would choke back some vomit at that sight."
The FBI study - which examined over 2,500 criminal FBI files from the early twentieth century up to 1952 - was one of a dozen programs instituted by the bureau to build an "in depth" profile of modern criminal behavior by a "thoughtful examination of past fashion choices and trends" despite how "irrelevant" such a comparison would likely prove.
"We strongly believe that the work we've done here will help criminologists today and far in to the future," Burlinski said at today's press conference. "We're not sure entirely how, but we're convinced the science of criminal fashion profiling to be a field ready to take off."