WASHINGTON - Lawmakers today easily passed H.R. 5555 the Omnibus United States Surveillance Bill, nicknamed "American Freedom" by the bill's sponsors. The bill provides funding for a variety of new and ongoing surveillance programs, including FBI spy drones, expanded NSA wire-tapping, and nearly $19 million for unspecified covert domestic CIA counter-terrorism operations.
"Today marks a victory for America," said Congressman Steven Flakier (R-Alabama), one of the bill's sponsors.
"I couldn't agree more," echoed Congressman Jill Fountain (D-Massachusetts), the bill's cosponsor. "Today marks a great victory for the American people in their fight against wanton, unnecessary, and now illegal privacy. Terrorism hides in the shadows: this bill pulls back the drapes and shines a huge spotlight into all of America's private nether regions."
"Absolutely," agreed Flakier. "I wouldn't have said it like that, but yes."
Flipping through the latest surveillance photos for Manhattan, FBI Director James Comey also agreed. "This is long overdue. Freedom has a price, and this is one of the sacrifices Americans need to make to ensure the continuation of their way of life." Pointing to a man holding up a cell phone on 5th Avenue, Comey then told Deputy Director Sam Irving to "arrest that guy."
Wall Street reacted violently to the bill's passage as well as to the questionable hot dog it ate outside the exchange around noon. Throwing up repeatedly in a nearby alley, the Street gargled with a shot of Jack Daniels from its gold hip-flask before stampeding into the early afternoon trading session and shredding defence and military hardware stocks. Coming down, the Street gave back some ground in a bout of profit taking before doing three lines of coke in the bathroom and nailing the NASDAQ's sister in the back stall.