IRREVERENT News

WASHINGTON - Following the exposure of two "White House party crashers" earlier this week, an unnamed third crasher is in federal custody tonight.

Little is known about this "unknown Santa" who crashed this week's state dinner held in honor of Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, other than there is little to no connection with Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the two confirmed crashers already under government questioning. The Secret Service has released few details regarding the "mystery Santa," other than he suffers from a history of mental illness and an irrational fixation on a particular black male who allegedly "stole his job" as a commodities trader for a prestigious trading firm recently bailed out under TARP financing.

The Santa is currently being held at an undisclosed location pending the results of a detailed background investigation currently underway by federal authorities. As of yet there is no word regarding the Santa's claim to be, in fact, "Saint Nick."

"I would call this a pretty major breach in basic security protocols," said John Johnson, Senior Press Liaison for the United States Treasury. "The fact that we let not only those two bozos but this third 'Santa' inside the White House without proper clearance, would pretty much mean we dropped the ball. If these guys had been terrorists or something, well that would have been a whole lot worse."

Others, however, have noted that the White House, a public property financed and maintained with tax dollars, should be "open" to the public unless "clear and specific danger" can be proven. "It's only in modern times that the White House was seen as this virtual 'Fort Knox,' requiring massive security every second of the day," said Bill Bixby, Head of Legal Affairs for the ACLU. "When we clearly overreact to what appears to be just a couple of average people 'gate-crashing' a state dinner, can't we spend just a few moments reflecting on how far the security state has permeated our national consciousness?"

"Bollocks to that!" noted Wall Street, who I consulted just prior to filing this report, who was still bloated from a huge Thanksgiving feast at its massive New York penthouse on the Upper East Side. "The past few days have shown that we've just about got this economy back on track, the last thing we need is any plonkers rocking the damn boat!" The Street continued on a rant for a few more minutes, citing various recent historical trends, before drifting off into the tavern crowd to shake hands with the new head of Goldman Sachs' Asian capital debt markets.