IRREVERENT News

WASHINGTON - A day of mixed messages ended today when the White House released a statement that U.S. Forces, led by Silstre the Elf had not scored a critical hit on “the real” Osama Bin Laden as originally reported in a tweet from a junior press intern.

In a carefully prepared statement during a hastily called press conference in the White House press room, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs apologized for the confusion. “The president and some of his closest advisors were enjoying their weekly game of Dungeons and Dragons(R). They were attacking a dragon that the president, serving as Dungeon Master(R), somewhat whimsically named Osama Bin Laden. During the melee, Chief of Staff [Rahm] Emmanuel rolled a 20, critically hitting the dragon. Unfortunately an intern tweeted the action to all his followers rather than to the #geeksters twitter group. The resulting retweets, with no discussion or research into the context, became the top item on the cable news networks. When we finally became aware of the problem, time, and the research habits of today's journalists had already taken it's toll.”

The unfortunate dragon, and White House coolness, wasn't the only casualty during the weekly gaming session. Reports soon surfaced indicating that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was forced to say goodbye to her long time character, Finbar, a 19th level dwarf ranger. Struck down by a poison trap while exploring the lair of Osama the Dragon, Finbar succumbed within 3d4 rounds while the party struggled to find an antidote. “I'll miss Finbar,” said a subdued Clinton. “I've been playing that character since Bill was in the White House. I mean I knew that Osama had developed a poison which affected consumers of alcohol. We'd gotten the word from an NPC at the Inn of the Pressed Grape before we set out for Osama's lair. Well I wanted to play true to my role and so, in the tradition of my people, I quaffed a tankard of ale right before we entered the caves. When I stepped on the poisoned caltrop, there really was nothing to do but roll up another character and wait for a chance to introduce her. At least next time I'll get to play an elf.”

At the Capitol, Republican congressmen simply shrugged when asked for comment. “Well everyone likes a good game,” said Senator John McCain. “When I was a prisoner in Vietnam we would often fantasize about a world different than the one we were in. It was a survival tactic. Hell I do it now when I'm not too busy hanging out with Sarah. Who, may I add, plays a wicked paladin.” House Minority Leader, John Boehner of Ohio expressed suprising sympathy regarding Secretary Clinton's loss. “I know what it's like to lose a beloved, high-level character. If I were here I'd call for an investigation into why the party wasn't carrying some kind of resurrection magic. Of course I think it's just typical of the way the Democrats handle health care.”

Reached for comment at the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, who plays the party's 20th level cleric, responded quickly to the Republican charges of dereliction. “Look,” said Gates, “My god prohibits the use of any magic that smacks of necromancy. Although resurrection is the bringing back to life of a character, unlike simple re-animation, it's still felt to be out of bounds by the scholars of my character's religion. We take our role-playing very seriously in this administration.”

Wall Street reacted neutrally to the news of the President's weekly role playing game. While many traders expressed excitement that Mr. Obama was capable of “rolling the dice while living in a fantasy world just like we do,” they were concerned about the absence of any new stimulus funds in the White House's statement.