"I'm very sorry for what I've done," Weiner said. "These past eight days have been extremely hard on me, so incredibly hard in fact that I am seeking medical attention, and probably an adrenaline injection in my groin."
Commenting on Weiner's statement, President Obama called the comments, "cryptic" but "a step in the right direction." "I think that what Weiner did was inappropriate and wrong," the President said during a photo-op following a talk with Pfizer executives at Viagra Stadium. "Still, you have to admire his stamina. Lasting eight days is impressive, but it's definitely time to see a doctor."
Republicans and Democrats alike have grown weary of Weiner in recent days, and have wished he would just go away.
"Speaking as a serial adulterer myself," said presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich, "I can understand the lure of hot women throwing themselves at powerful men in Washington. Nevertheless," Mr. Gingrich continued, but, seemingly lost in thought, then simply wandered off.
Nobody else would comment on the Weiner scandal, most likely for fear of being called hypocrites during re-election battles.
Wall Street surged on the news that Weiner refused to succumb, shooting shares of Pfizer and other Big Pharma stocks to dizzying new heights. Less than two hours later, however, the party was over when the eight-ball and Viagra wore off and disappointed investors realized just how long an elaborate dick joke could be maintained.
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