WASHINGTON - "Our long national joke is finally over," announced Rep. Tony Weiner today. "You won't have the Weiner to flog anymore."
The announcement has drawn a flurry of reaction, including angry reaction from every humor website on planet. "This is nothing more than a betrayal of everything our forefathers fought for," said IRREVERENT publisher Scott Meadow. "This guy could've easily juiced this story another week or two, at least! We hadn't worked in nearly enough dick jokes yet, I've got BOXES of these things, ready to go! You just don't get presents like this very often! A congressman named Weiner sexting his junk? This is a once a generation thing in this business!"
Reached for comment aboard the USS Bacchanalia cruising somewhere in the South Pacific, Senior IRREVERENT columnist Tyrone Mercer expressed his outrage at the media frenzy surrounding the Weiner controversy. "Look, do you think this is easy for us? When every day our inbox is filled with more evidence that politics are like Weiners? And that's from the AP? And then just when we hit our stride and are stroking the Weiner story for all it's worth, the whole thing blows up in our faces. You bet I'm pissed. Now we have to start all over trying to dig up dirt on Iowa Representative Stiffenhard."
Wall Street was ecstatic about the news of Weiner's resignation and stocks exploded upward. The day ended mixed however when traders realized that Jimmy Fallon would have to go back to writing his own jokes.
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