Ryan Proves He's Equally Able to Wait for His President to Die

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WASHINGTON - Following last night's vice-presidential debate, Congressman Paul Ryan [R] proved himself equally able to "sit around... and wait for a President Romney to expire... as Biden is with Obama."

Ryan proved himself able to sit patiently and wait for someone to die. "Now that everyone has a firm grasp of American fiscal policy," Ryan explained to the camera, pointing to slide 873 of his PowerPoint presentation, "let me digress for a brief hour into why I am as qualified as Vice-President Biden to sit around, essentially like a piece of office furniture, and wait for a President Romney to expire." At this point, Ryan changed slides, and walked through a long list of reasons, but by then the final remaining person watching the debate switched off the T.V. as he fell into a deep, dreamless, drunken sleep.

"Ha ha ha," Vice-President Biden said before yawning.

"This was possibly the most tedious, boring thing I've ever watched and I'm an aficionado of granny porn," said Samantha Wagner, a political strategist at the Neucomb-Travis-McClure think-tank. "I've never wanted to punch two people in the face more in my entire life."

"It's an important position, constitutionally speaking," said James Hadleyville III, professor emeritus of American History at Harvard University. "But in practical terms, it's about as useless as Pam Anderson getting another breast augmentation."

Wall Street today had a nasty case of salmonellosis after eating bad clams at the new Lithuanian place off Lex, and spent the entire morning trading session locked in the bathroom evacuating bowels and stomach in alternating bouts of high-volume panic selling. By the early afternoon, things had calmed down but soon returned to non-stop spewing as the Street viciously punished shares of Microsoft for ever inventing PowerPoint.