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WASHINGTON - Early this morning, President Obama announced his new "undead" stimulus package.
At a hastily called press conference conducted at midnight at the White House today, President Barak Obama announced another new trillion dollar stimulus package targeted, he said, “at a segment of the population grossly under served by government.” Flanked by Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, and a surprisingly robust, if pallid, Strom Thurmond, Mr. Obama laid out the details of the latest stimulus package.
In addition to the required multi-billion dollar payouts to large Wall Street interests such as Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch the latest round of stimulus spending carries generous allotments for traditional, blood-drinking, vampires. “This society can no longer turn a blind eye toward the poor, the downtrodden and the deceased,” Mr. Obama announced. “For too long this great nation has left vampires to fend for themselves. Well no longer.” Mr. Obama then laid out an Undead Recovery Stimulus Plan which includes increased funding for blood banks, an expansion of retirement benefits for undead senators and other federal officials, a permanent waiver on taxes for those over 130 years old, and a tax credit for new window shades and sunblock for the recently deceased.
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WASHINGTON - At a press conference today, Sarah Palin threatened to support "any Republican that gets in my way."
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SAUDI ARABIA - During a 10 minute standup bit in Riyadh today, only one guy got Secretary of State Clinton's Lady Gaga joke.
IRREVERENT Magazine is a news magazine parody: we were doing fake news before it was popular.
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