BAGHEM, IRAQ - Tariq Su Persiz, spokes-sheik for the reactionary Sabra Rat'lers Brigade, LP, announced today that his organization would soon open Iraq's first KFC franchise.
"The persecuted Sunni Minority, beset by Zionist enemies on one side, heretical Shi'ite thugs on the other, will now be a force to be reckoned with in a new democratic Iraq," read Sheik Persiz from a prepared statement. "Let those who sleep like dogs with the devil enjoy the ashes of so-called 'hamburgers.' Allah has called the righteous to the Original Recipe."
Reaction to the annoucement on the Arab StreetTM was riddled with exploding IEDs, prompting Hezbollah to fire multiple rockets into the Israeli town of Verklempt in joyous celebration. At a hastily called press conference at Hezbollah (Hizb'allah) Central Committee Headquarters Crater and Rubble Bouncing Range, spokes-sheik Falud Al-Khamanbebi expressed uncontained glee at he prospect of increased violence thanks to the creation of a new player in restaurant retail. "Once we have cleansed Palestine of the Zionist usurpers we can turn our attention to the Sunni Chicken Mongers," said the Sheik. "It's a great day to be in the anarchic mayhem and convenience food businesses."
In Tel Aviv, Israeli reaction was typically harsh and bellicose. "We do not welcome the proliferation of Extra Crispy in this unstable region," said Ariel Bombardmentstein, spokes-rabbi for the Israeli Defense Forces. "Israel reserves the right to defend her fast food sales no matter how far they extend into sovereign territories. We will not be denied our right to sell matzah ball soup in safety."
Japan's Nikkei opened mixed on the Sunni KFC announcement with several investors choosing an inscrutable Asian strategy. Shares of NooKum Industries, China's premier nuclear proliferation company shot up with an announcement of a deal to provide construction expertise for the Sabra Brigade's venture.
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