IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

NEW YORK - Billionaire philanthropist James Rockefeller V, a descendent of oil magnate John D. Rockefeller, stepped forward today as the sole winner of the 44 state Powerball lottery valued at just over $290 million.  Although a winner was identified as having won the July 8th lottery, until this morning nobody had stepped forward to claim the prize.

"Mr. Rockefeller was surprised to learn he won," a spokesman said today at the Ritz-Carlton press conference.  "Mr. Rockefeller purchased the ticket at the insistence of a local shopkeeper where he had stopped in for a quick cup of coffee on the way to his private hangar at JFK.  The shopkeeper, a Mr. Tanzarian, will receive a check from Mr. Rockefeller for $1 million as a gesture of appreciation."

The winnings will be added to Rockefeller's estimated $9.8 billion fortune, allowing the philanthropist to break the renowned $10 billion mark.  He said he would "simply... toss it on the pile."

Rockefeller, a well established patron of the New York arts and culture scene, said in a prepared statement that he did "not imagine... [winning the Powerball] will substantially change [his] life in any way" but thought it was "nice."

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Written by Scott Meadow

NORTH CAROLINA - Local flag merchant Irving Pez of Raleigh today announced that he, like many other retailers has "completely dropped" Confederate flags from his online and in-store stock due to its association "with racism and slavery," but was pleasantly surprised to discover that his "sales were made up... and then some by Nazi memorabilia."

"Sure didn't expect that," said Pez.  "But it's been great for business."

Pez was quick to clarify that he "ain't no racist" but was simply responding to the market.  "When I was selling [confederate] flags," Pez expalined, "I wasn't making no statement about slavery or whatnot, I was just selling what people wanted to buy.  If they hated [African-Americans] that ain't my fault."

Read more: Merchant Recoups Confederate Flag Losses with Nazi Surge

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - The FBI today unveiled the results of its five year, $22 million study into early twentieth century criminals, concluding that "by and large, criminals of yesteryear were far more dapper than today."

"Criminals just don't try as hard anymore," said FBI spokesman and lead researcher Ivan Burlinski.  "Back in the day, even hardened psychopaths and degenerates bothered to put on a smart fedora or ascot.  They really made an effort and it showed in their mugshots."

Criminologists like Harvard's Charles Milles Manson Chair of Criminal Psychology Jennifer Ruebel were quick to agree.   "I couldn't agree more," Ruebel agreed.  "By and large, the criminal element of our great-grandfathers were not only more dapper and sporting than today, but substantially more dignified by twenty-first century standards.  For instance, it's hard to imagine Lucky Luciano laughing uproariously at a woman violently defecating into a bathroom sink, as in say 'Bridesmaids.'  I'd venture even the well seasoned killer of hundreds would choke back some vomit at that sight."

The FBI study - which examined over 2,500 criminal FBI files from the early twentieth century up to 1952 - was one of a dozen programs instituted by the bureau to build an "in depth" profile of modern criminal behavior by a "thoughtful examination of past fashion choices and trends" despite how  "irrelevant" such a comparison would likely prove.

"We strongly believe that the work we've done here will help criminologists today and far in to the future," Burlinski said at today's press conference.  "We're not sure entirely how, but we're convinced the science of criminal fashion profiling to be a field ready to take off."