IRREVERENT News

Details

Written by Scott Meadow

(ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and invited alien beings "not of this earth" to do "whatever they wished" with earthlings, particularly "Mexicans."

"I think, like many of you, that aliens exist, they're here and I want nothing more than to fully welcome them with open arms," Trump said at the hastily prepared press conference.  "They can abduct all the Mexicans they want to."

Taking a brief pause, Trump clarified his statement.  "I don't want anyone to be confused either, I do not dislike Mexican-Americans or the Mexican people themselves, far from it.  I hope latino voters are listening here too: I am not the 'racist' I've been called in the popular press.  All I said was that the Mexican government is smart, very smart, by exporting their drug dealers, rapists and criminals into our country.  That's all I said.  Didn't anybody see 'Scarface'?"

"He was Cuban," an unidentified reporter shouted.  "And Al Pacino is Italian," another reporter added.

"Look whatever," Trump shouted.

"Look he's rig...," a nearby Ann Coulter started.

"Don't fucking help me, Ann," Trump interjected.

Closed on Saturday, Wall Street barely reacted at all to Trump's statement of extraterrestrial support, his unhelpful "backtracking" to the weeks' comic blunders, nor Ann Coulter.  Instead, the Street's personal valet mixed up a huge carafe of extra dry Martinis and continued with the Street's mani-pedi, pausing only briefly to switch channels between 'American Greed' and Wimbledon coverage.

Details

Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - With a little over 72 weeks left in the 2016 presidential race, billionaire Donald Trump today joined the field of joke candidates intent on supplying titillation, bemusement and distraction for all.

"Today I announce my candidacy for the presidency of the United States of America," Trump said in front of an American flag.  "As in the past, I will run on a platform of self-interest blinded by ego and driven by delusions of grandeur.  Any questions?"

Porn star and Republican candidate Dick Steele echoed The Donald's announcement during his own hastily prepared press event.  "I, too will be seeking the nomination of the Republican party for the 2016 presidential race," said Steele.  "As a lifetime NRA member and libertarian, I will run on a platform of strong family values, personal integrity and the inalienable right of any well-endowed man to bang hot chicks for a living."

Read more: Joke Candidates Emerge On Cue in 2016 Presidential Race

Details

Written by Scott Meadow

NEW YORK - In a stunning announcement, five prominent leaders of the National Organization of Women (NOW) resigned today after being outed as "male" by their families. NOW national president Laura Eden publicly supported the resignations.  "It is not a prerequisite to be female in order to support [NOW]," Eden explained.  "It is, however, a requirement to be truthful about your genitalia and how that genitalia is typically used, especially in leadership positions within our organization."

[inset side="right" title=""]"I hope now it's obvious what an amazingly selfish lover you were for the five years we lived together." - Sandra "Bill" Winnesoka[/inset]This theme follows high-profile resignations within the National Gay Alliance due to "unacceptable levels of heterosexuality," namely outspoken California regional NGA president Hal Simmons.  Simmons was forced to resign after "heterosexual leaning pictures" were found on his computer from the 2015 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.  Simmons continues to maintain the downloaded photographs were "planted."

Read more: Five N.O.W. Leaders Resign After Male Outing