IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

MASS. - NFL officials today disclosed that "several large boxes" of "animal tranquilizer darts" were found at the home of Patriot's QB Tom Brady, as well as other teammates, which "seem a likley match" to those found protroding from the backs, arms and legs of Indianapolis Colts players last week.

"We therefore intend to discuss the matter, quite seriously with Mr. Brady," the NFL Official said.  "Sometime in May or potentially October."

The Patriot's quaterback defended himself in his own hastily prepared press-conference.  "These allegations are completely baseless and without merit," Brady said. "It's insane that one could get such a huge quantity of horse tranquilizers across state lines without an enormous network of helpers and co-conspirators."

"Nobody said they were horse tranquilizers," one reporter noted.  Brady cut the rest of the conference short.

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON- In last night's State of the Union address, President Obama laid out his 2008 election-year agenda for United States foreign and domestic policies.  "It may be seven years late, but it's still definitely stuff that needs to get accomplished," the President explained.

Behind him, Vice-President Joe Biden jerked himself awake and Speaker of the House John Boehner sneered.

"America is facing a lot of stuff and the middle-class needs to be able to pay for all the stuff we force them to purchase, like health care, day care, and hell everything else with 'care' in it," President Obama said.  "It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if they made just a tiny, teensy bit more money, would it?"

At this point, Democrats wildly applauded while Republicans amused themselves playing Words With Friends.

In their response, Senator Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) -- the world's first fully animatronic elected figure -- outlined how much she, and other Republicans, absolutely hate President Obama, all of his policies, and everything he stands for.

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Today President Obama, in an impromptu shopping excursion, asked Wal-Mart employee Gail Murdoch: "Fans, lightbulbs, ok fine: where are the damn tampons?"

Read more: President Searches for "The Damn Tampons"