IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

PITTSBURGH - Today President Obama was forced to remind Vice-President Biden why he was forbidden from riding in the presidential limousine with him.  "Joe," the President said, "your IBS [irritable bowel syndrome] is completely out of control."

Forlorn, Vice-President Biden shook his head positively and boarded the secondary limousine.

"It's hardly a state secret that Biden has a case of IBS that would make a Komodo dragon barf," said one former VP staffer. "We got a memo a while ago from [the President's staff] that outlined the new travel protocols.  Basically, Biden couldn't fly in Air force One or in the President's limo unless the President was physically in another state.  Ouch!"

"I cannot and will not comment on the private medical condition of anyone in or out of the executive," said press secretary Josh Earnest, who recently took over for Jay Carney.  "The Vice-President's medical evaluations are a matter of public record and don't need any elaboration."

The cool, calm and collected statement drew a quick reaction from some in the close-knit naval medical community.  "I've been involved in numerous medical evaluations of chief executives," said one anonymous medical insider, "andI can tell you, besides L.B.J. or, worse Nixon, nobody has had a worse case of IBS than [Vice-President] Joe Biden."

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - A clerical error within the official Supreme Court transcript of this morning's proceedings resulted in a 25 minute ban on "heterosexual marriages" throughout the United States.

"It was just a mistake," confessed Bill Davenport, the official court transcriptionist.  "I was typing fast, the autocorrect got ahead of me and I hit enter without looking at it.  I just wanted to get to lunch."

Read more: Different-Sex Marriages Accidentally Illegal for 25 Minutes

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Written by IRNewz

BANGLADESH - Recently freed Guantanamo Bay prisoner Anish Kali returned to his home in Dhaka today and gave his son his birthwright: a golden watch.  The watch had been hidden on Kali's person during the entirety of his six year detention.

"I am so glad that I was able to give my son, Anu, this golden watch," said Kali, 73, who had been detained in 2007 on charges of conspiracy to sell bootleg copies of the massively disappointing "The Soprano's" finale.  "Although it had been excruciatingly painful to hide this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my backside for six long, agonizing years, seeing the look on his face was almost worth it," Kali confessed.  "Almost."

The watch -- a 1985 Casio A159WGEA men's gold tone, stainless steel digital watch -- was purchased by Kali's father upon returning from Afghanistan.  He bequeathed the watch to his son Kali two years later when he unexpectedly choked to death on a fig, and ever since Kali had been planning to pass the watch along to his son.

"It's an okay watch," said his son Anu, who wasn't wearing it at the time of his interview.  "I have it somewhere.  I think it's next to my Xbox, maybe."