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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Lawmakers today easily passed H.R. 5555 the Omnibus United States Surveillance Bill, nicknamed "American Freedom" by the bill's sponsors.  The bill provides funding for a variety of new and ongoing surveillance programs, including FBI spy drones, expanded NSA wire-tapping, and nearly $19 million for unspecified covert domestic CIA counter-terrorism operations.

"Today marks a victory for America," said Congressman Steven Flakier (R-Alabama), one of the bill's sponsors. 

"I couldn't agree more," echoed Congressman Jill Fountain (D-Massachusetts), the bill's cosponsor.  "Today marks a great victory for the American people in their fight against wanton, unnecessary, and now illegal privacy.  Terrorism hides in the shadows: this bill pulls back the drapes and shines a huge spotlight into all of America's private nether regions."

Read more: 'American Freedom' Surveillance Bill Breezes House

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Written by Scott Meadow

EUROPE - Today we each examined our respective news feeds and tried, really really tried, to understand what in the hell the FIFA soccer scandal was all about.  We just don't get soccer.

About all we get here is that a guy named "Sepp Blatter" -- which appears to be his actual, real name and not one made up by Douglas Adams despite our collective incredulity -- is in all kinds of pictures holding his head like this, but we can't for the life of us figure out exactly why, other than it looks like it's some sort of sports corruption thing.

Seriously? Corruption in sports?  How on earth is that even news, let alone somehow causing enough angst to have this guy permanently face-palming?  Grow up, Europe.

In case you live elsewhere, let me explain: in the states, everyone naturally assumes that sports are corrupt.  It doesn't matter what sport.  Lawn darts, badminton, swimming (yes even Marco-Polo!!), football (real football people), baseball, hell even Forrest Gump's ping ball tourney was rigged, let's face facts.  Anything that anyone can conceivably bet on will eventually be corrupt, don't act like you didn't know that, Europe.  Monte Carlo has been around a helluva lot longer than Las Vegas, and you have way more complicated games like Baccarat which I only know how to play thanks to a youth misspent watching James Bond movies.  You educated the world in corruption.  Corruption and Martinis.  And horribly sexist and racist one-liners.

So don't act so bloody innocent.

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Written by Scott Meadow

SOFTTOUCH, N.H.- Today former New York Governor George Pataki announced that he too would run for president in 2016, citing his qualifications as his ability to dress himself (with his wife's help), his fondness for staring out hotel windows as well as looking at water, and his strong like of dogs and dog-related things.

"We in America need an American president who believes in America and the American way," Pataki said in his campaign announcement video. "America," he continued, "I really just like saying that.  America for Americans and the American way, that pretty much sums me up as an American.  And I too like dogs."

Pataki went on to demonstrate his ability to longingly stare out of skyscrapers, with a wistful, faraway and visionary look, as well as stand in the middle of a stream and stare at the water, as if searching for some ideal of natural perfection that ends up electing him president.

Read more: Pataki Announces 2016 Presidential Run: Ties Shoes, Stares at Water, Likes Dogs