IRREVERENT News

Details

Written by Scott Meadow

LONDON - During a charitable luncheon today, a startled Eric Clapton was confronted by numerous allegations that his song "Cocaine" advocated illegal drug use, namely using "cocaine."

Clapton, who was obviously confused and irritated by the confrontation led by a gaggle of young reporters, was slow to respond.  "It's not even my song," Clapton said eventually, at the Teenage Cancer Trust benefit luncheon.  "It's [J.J.] Cale's, I just did a bloody cover.  And it's not advocating drug use, mate, have you even listened to the song?"  When the reporters held up their iPods, Clapton only grew more irritated.  "Why did you buy the bloody song if you hate it so much then?"

"It's a great song," one of the reporters said sheepishly.

"Look this is a benefit for teenage cancer, can we please keep our eye on the ball?  That song is 30 years old," Clapton said.

"Thirty-eight years," corrected one of the reporters, holding up his cellphone.

At this point the entire luncheon crowd began chanting "cocaine," which inevitably goaded the artist to grab a nearby acoustic guitar and belt out an impromptu, unplugged version of the popular single.

Wall Street reacted negatively to the possibility that its drug of choice was back in the spotlight, bumping news focus off heroin, which had been taking almost all of the illegal drug heat for most of the past few years.

Details

Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Lawmakers today easily passed H.R. 5555 the Omnibus United States Surveillance Bill, nicknamed "American Freedom" by the bill's sponsors.  The bill provides funding for a variety of new and ongoing surveillance programs, including FBI spy drones, expanded NSA wire-tapping, and nearly $19 million for unspecified covert domestic CIA counter-terrorism operations.

"Today marks a victory for America," said Congressman Steven Flakier (R-Alabama), one of the bill's sponsors. 

"I couldn't agree more," echoed Congressman Jill Fountain (D-Massachusetts), the bill's cosponsor.  "Today marks a great victory for the American people in their fight against wanton, unnecessary, and now illegal privacy.  Terrorism hides in the shadows: this bill pulls back the drapes and shines a huge spotlight into all of America's private nether regions."

Read more: 'American Freedom' Surveillance Bill Breezes House

Details

Written by Scott Meadow

EUROPE - Today we each examined our respective news feeds and tried, really really tried, to understand what in the hell the FIFA soccer scandal was all about.  We just don't get soccer.

About all we get here is that a guy named "Sepp Blatter" -- which appears to be his actual, real name and not one made up by Douglas Adams despite our collective incredulity -- is in all kinds of pictures holding his head like this, but we can't for the life of us figure out exactly why, other than it looks like it's some sort of sports corruption thing.

Seriously? Corruption in sports?  How on earth is that even news, let alone somehow causing enough angst to have this guy permanently face-palming?  Grow up, Europe.

In case you live elsewhere, let me explain: in the states, everyone naturally assumes that sports are corrupt.  It doesn't matter what sport.  Lawn darts, badminton, swimming (yes even Marco-Polo!!), football (real football people), baseball, hell even Forrest Gump's ping ball tourney was rigged, let's face facts.  Anything that anyone can conceivably bet on will eventually be corrupt, don't act like you didn't know that, Europe.  Monte Carlo has been around a helluva lot longer than Las Vegas, and you have way more complicated games like Baccarat which I only know how to play thanks to a youth misspent watching James Bond movies.  You educated the world in corruption.  Corruption and Martinis.  And horribly sexist and racist one-liners.

So don't act so bloody innocent.