IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

ARKANSAS - Former Arkansas governor and Fox News talk show host Mike Huckabee declared that he would be running for president in 2016, that he still had his first gun "in mint condition," that he could name every school, river, street and most people in or near Hope, Arkansas, and that the 1950s were totally awesome.

"The 1950s were awesome! And God and guns and The Bible!" Huckabee screamed and the crowd cheered.

Read more: Huckabee Declares Presidential Run: "God and Guns and The Bible!"

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - The President's national security briefing was interrupted this morning by his neighbor's amazingly loud chainsaw, prompting the President and his staff to look out the window with a disapproving look and finger of shame.

"What the hell is that guy doing?" the President asked the room, prompting shrugs from the national security council.

"Is he... is he trying to.. chainsaw a.. beer?" asked Vice-President Biden

"He is! It's a beer bottle!" said National Security Advisor Susan Rice.

"At 8:30 in the morning?!!" said a clearly irritated President Obama.

"What an asshole," concluded Vice-President Biden.

The Secret Service later released a brief press statement on the incident.  "At approximately 0838 this morning, a retired white house neighbor, who had taken it upon himself to chainsaw a particular malted beverage with a 20", 50 cc, model PP5020AV Poulan PRO gas powered chainsaw, was taken into Secret Service custody.  Charles Martin Raymond, a retired adult video store proprietor and AARP member, was detained for questioning about why the fuck he chose 0830 on a weekday morning to start his goddamn chainsaw.  He was released several hours later.  #fingerofshame!"

Wall Street had no reaction at all to the news, choosing instead a gram of uncut Bolivian cocaine and a quick hotdog on the corner before burning everything to the ground in early afternoon trading.

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Written by Scott Meadow

LONDON - In what many English people are calling "preposterous" and "absolute buggery bullshit," a study released today by Harvard Medical College concluded that "the new royal baby is 99.8% identical to any other newborn, including those from the poor."  Next to the conclusion, for the benefit of its readers, the HMC article helpfully included several photographs of poor people.

Read more: Royal Baby Closely Resembles Poor Baby