IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

SOFTTOUCH, N.H.- Today former New York Governor George Pataki announced that he too would run for president in 2016, citing his qualifications as his ability to dress himself (with his wife's help), his fondness for staring out hotel windows as well as looking at water, and his strong like of dogs and dog-related things.

"We in America need an American president who believes in America and the American way," Pataki said in his campaign announcement video. "America," he continued, "I really just like saying that.  America for Americans and the American way, that pretty much sums me up as an American.  And I too like dogs."

Pataki went on to demonstrate his ability to longingly stare out of skyscrapers, with a wistful, faraway and visionary look, as well as stand in the middle of a stream and stare at the water, as if searching for some ideal of natural perfection that ends up electing him president.

Read more: Pataki Announces 2016 Presidential Run: Ties Shoes, Stares at Water, Likes Dogs

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Written by Scott Meadow

ARKANSAS - Former Arkansas governor and Fox News talk show host Mike Huckabee declared that he would be running for president in 2016, that he still had his first gun "in mint condition," that he could name every school, river, street and most people in or near Hope, Arkansas, and that the 1950s were totally awesome.

"The 1950s were awesome! And God and guns and The Bible!" Huckabee screamed and the crowd cheered.

Read more: Huckabee Declares Presidential Run: "God and Guns and The Bible!"

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - The President's national security briefing was interrupted this morning by his neighbor's amazingly loud chainsaw, prompting the President and his staff to look out the window with a disapproving look and finger of shame.

"What the hell is that guy doing?" the President asked the room, prompting shrugs from the national security council.

"Is he... is he trying to.. chainsaw a.. beer?" asked Vice-President Biden

"He is! It's a beer bottle!" said National Security Advisor Susan Rice.

"At 8:30 in the morning?!!" said a clearly irritated President Obama.

"What an asshole," concluded Vice-President Biden.

The Secret Service later released a brief press statement on the incident.  "At approximately 0838 this morning, a retired white house neighbor, who had taken it upon himself to chainsaw a particular malted beverage with a 20", 50 cc, model PP5020AV Poulan PRO gas powered chainsaw, was taken into Secret Service custody.  Charles Martin Raymond, a retired adult video store proprietor and AARP member, was detained for questioning about why the fuck he chose 0830 on a weekday morning to start his goddamn chainsaw.  He was released several hours later.  #fingerofshame!"

Wall Street had no reaction at all to the news, choosing instead a gram of uncut Bolivian cocaine and a quick hotdog on the corner before burning everything to the ground in early afternoon trading.