NEW YORK – Prominent statisticians today unveiled their analysis of why President Trump does not have a 0% job approval rating.

 “According to recent polls, 39% of all registered voters, and 85% of Republicans approve of the job Trump is doing as president,” said Heaven Wallace, who headed the three month study and is currently the Mark Twain Chair of Improbable Statistics at Princeton University.  “Of course the logical question to ask is ‘why is this non-zero?’  None of us could explain that, so that really was the kick-off to our study.”

The group – which includes statisticians from Ivy League and 12 other schools with advanced statistics programs – took an independent, deep analysis of political polling data, combined with demographic and lifestyle data across a broad range of American voting age adults.

“We learned a lot about how people make choices, in general, based on basically nothing,” said Jovan Short, Professor of Mathematical Chaos at Holcolm College.  “For example, there are roughly 19 – 28% of the American population who just won’t believe anything they’re told, no matter whether the source is one they consider credible or not.  But stated party affiliation seems to matter here: self-professed Democrats end up on the lower end of the scale, 9-16%, whereas Republicans are on the opposite side at 38-43%.”

“We started calling them the ‘black hole’ group – information goes in, but never makes it out in any useful fashion,” said Trevor Wilcox, from M.I.T.  “This includes themselves, which we found fascinating: when their own responses were read back to them, they denied they responded the way they did, even after we began videotaping the sessions and playing back the tape.”

“This refusal to acknowledge outside information was a point of considerable pride for this group,” said Cameron Gibbs, Chair of Public Policy Statistics at Yalvard University.  “This seems to indicate that whether you have Donald Trump, or Josef Mengele, or Winnie The Pooh running on a Republican ticket, they can poll somewhere in the 30-40% range, no matter what they say or do.“

WASHINGTON - Today President Trump tweeted at Americans to "chill out" and "this whole corona thing will blow over, like the fat nothing-burger it is" because he doesn't have the virus.

"I talk to doctors, many doctors, all professional medical men, and women, from many, many races and cultures," Trump said at a hastily prepared mid-morning press conference.  "And they told me don't bother getting tested [for the coronavirus], it's a waste, they said it, a total waste of my time, and my time is very, very valuable you know, so I haven't.  And I feel fine, absolutely fine, never better, so I don't see what all the problem is, I don't have it, believe me, so how bad can it really be?"

WASHINGTON - Last night President Trump addressed an increasingly jittery nation over the shouted objections of his senior advisors.

"We've faced stuff like this before, and worse, much worse, as a nation, and even this, when it gets much worse than it already is now, and this is how things go with epidemics, this is always the way these things happen," Trump explained.  "Do people die?  Sure, some do, but not everyone dies, it's just not how these things happen.  For example, I feel fine, really good.  I have a real knack for this, trust me, it's like an intuition," he continued, while several senior advisors shouted off-camera: "GOOD GOD STOP! NO NO NO!! CAN'T SOMEONE SHUT OFF THESE CAMERAS!!!"

One of those advisors, Dr. Andre Hollender, Deputy Chief Medical Officer at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, at this point fainted.

"I'm feeling really, really good," Trump continued, apparently oblivious to his advisors, including a stoic Vice-President Pence, who remained motionless throughout.  "I mean good.  My doctors just look at me and say, 'You're great, Mr. President.  No need to waste one of those tests on you.  I mean we don't have any tests anyway, but you don't even need it.'"

At this point in tears, the Vice-President was escorted from the Oval Office by his Secret Service detail.

Nearby, a triple-scotch in hand, Senior Economics Advisor Gerry Felder, raised his glass to the exiting V.P.  "Woo-hoo!  Game on!" he noted as the V.P. left.

"Seriously, I woke up last night a little cold, so I turned up the thermostat a little bit, but besides that I've been tip-top," Trump said. "So there's seriously nothing to worry about.   So carry on, and whatever you do, keep believing in the U.S. economy, because it's really, really, really fantastic."

Trading halted overseas as markets spiraled into freefall, losing hundreds of billions in shareholder value throughout the President's speech.  Monitoring the sharp declines from his phone, Senior Economics Advisor Gerry Felder downed the rest of his scotch and broke out laughing, then crying, then laughing again.

We caught Wall Street today before it entered the Stock Exchange, looking surprisingly well rested but hung-over.  When asked if today was going to be another bloodbath, the Street smiled wryly.  "Are you kidding?  I've been shorting the market since last week, I'm up double-digits.  This guy [Trump] is a trader's wet-dream."

WASHINGTON – Today a spokesperson for the Presidential Office of Business Oversight (POBO) said that the office has “already invoiced” both Uber and Lyft for President Trump’s latest Executive Order, which “invalidates” California’s Assembly Bill 5 that attempts to enforce stricter guidelines over which employees can be categorized as “independent contractors.”

“This is both consistent with Administration Policy and the right thing to do,” said POBO spokesperson Forest Bardo.  “If the US Government helps out a company, companies, or even an industry, shouldn’t the American People get a cut?”

Over a modest diner breakfast, IRREVERENT’s budget National Security correspondent Irv Michaels called the move “slightly different” than Trump’s demand for a finder’s fee on the Microsoft acquisition of Chinese social-media sensation Tik Tok’s US operations.  “The difference between this shakedown.. sorry, I mean fee, and what he demanded from the Tik Tok deal is that with Tik Tok there was no direct meddling with a court ruling, simply a demand for payment for services rendered,” said Michaels, drinking his third free coffee refill.  “Directly interfering with a court decision on behalf of those adversely affected by that decision, well that’s mafia stuff.”

(ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and invited alien beings "not of this earth" to do "whatever they wished" with earthlings, particularly "Mexicans."

"I think, like many of you, that aliens exist, they're here and I want nothing more than to fully welcome them with open arms," Trump said at the hastily prepared press conference.  "They can abduct all the Mexicans they want to."

Taking a brief pause, Trump clarified his statement.  "I don't want anyone to be confused either, I do not dislike Mexican-Americans or the Mexican people themselves, far from it.  I hope latino voters are listening here too: I am not the 'racist' I've been called in the popular press.  All I said was that the Mexican government is smart, very smart, by exporting their drug dealers, rapists and criminals into our country.  That's all I said.  Didn't anybody see 'Scarface'?"

"He was Cuban," an unidentified reporter shouted.  "And Al Pacino is Italian," another reporter added.

"Look whatever," Trump shouted.

"Look he's rig...," a nearby Ann Coulter started.

"Don't fucking help me, Ann," Trump interjected.

Closed on Saturday, Wall Street barely reacted at all to Trump's statement of extraterrestrial support, his unhelpful "backtracking" to the weeks' comic blunders, nor Ann Coulter.  Instead, the Street's personal valet mixed up a huge carafe of extra dry Martinis and continued with the Street's mani-pedi, pausing only briefly to switch channels between 'American Greed' and Wimbledon coverage.

CLEVELAND - Speaking from the podium at Cleveland's famous Quicken Auditorium and Beer Garden, presidential hopeful Donald Trump last night formally accepted the nomination of the Republican Party calling on all Americans to "brace themselves... for the upcoming era of amazingness, really amazing amazingness, amazing things."

MANILA - Today President Trump reported that his day long quest to find "a Koala bear" was met with mixed success, but he was "hopeful" he'd spot one "before the day is done."  Few in the press corp were surprised as the Koala is indigenous to Australia and not the Philippines.

"I spent many, many hours looking today, believe me, and took many, many pictures, near misses I call them," President Trump explained.  "Thousands of them really, to be honest.  An amazing amount of pictures.  Those cute little bears are great, really great, and I really like them a lot.  So it was an honor to spend the day looking for them, one of them would be great, or an entire family, either way. But I don't have a really clear picture, but I really tried, believe me I did, nobody tried harder than me, I was a total winner."

The world press, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and other dignitaries applauded the president's remarks politely.  Off-record, one senior official told IRREVERENT this was "even more of a bizarre rant than usual."  Another added "Koala bears? WTF?"

Trump ordered the secret service to do a "hard target search" for the elusive bear, armed with cell phone cameras and binoculars, despite being informed by numerous staffers -- including chief of staff John Kelly -- that there were no Koala bears in the Philippines "outside a zoo."  A "special investigative squad" of the secret service flew in from Washington late last night to aid in the effort, accompanied by their spouses and children, and in several cases brothers, sisters, and parents.

"We need all the eyes, ears and cameras we can get," Trump explained.  As to the cost of the search, now estimated near $1.35 million, Trump was dismissive.  "Fake news, just fake news."

When asked for comment, secret service spokesman Earl Davis smiled and said "no comment."

Donald Trump’s recent statement, “It is what it is,” referring to the COVID-19 pandemic, will rank with Marie Antoinette’s famous remark, “Let Them Eat Cake,” although historians tell us she never in reality said that.

That statement instead reflected what the French public thought about her before they chopped off her head in 1793, that she was a heartless egotist and elitist of the first water.

In Trump’s case he really did say, “It is what it is,” which translated means, “This pandemic is a pain in the ass for me, it disrupts my political campaign and my ability to strut around and act the big guy and goddamn it, I have to act like I care when I really don’t. If you die from the virus that’s your tough luck (F-word) you. I don’t want to give you any money either. Go back to work you lazy bastard.”

It’s a funny thing about the presidency, not funny, I mean strange, and we’ve had so many strange ones, none stranger than the Napoleon-wanna-be we have in the White House now.

When you’re president people expect you to act tough and Trump’s okay here he can scowl and grimace and adopt theatrical poses (hand-on-hip), although wit, charm and warmth he is incapable of.

With Trump, insulting and mocking is it.

If he was a horse, you would call him a “one-trick pony.”

FLORIDA - Today President Trump announced that he did, indeed have "a bunch" of "additional, extremely timely and needed pardons" queued up and ready to go "whenever the next major disaster hits."

"We have many, many more pardons to come," Trump told the press from his solid gold podium at Mar a Lago.  "Many, many more, so many people that Obama just refused to pardon, because he was a jerk, pardon my French, a real jerk if I'm being honest.  So I'm going to do it, because it's the right thing to do.  They're all ready to go, we just need to have the right forum, you know, for maxium impact.  These need big, huge ratings, so keep an eye out during the next hurricane or tornado or something, maybe a missile launch, who knows.  We'll do it then because that's when everyone's watching television, believe me I know T.V. and that's the best way to do these things, trust me."

A stunned press corp had little to say afterward.

Trump meanwhile has announced he would "fly around" the devestated areas in Texas and "take a couple of pictures," adding he wanted "to show people how grateful" he was "for voting for me in the election," adding that he "won Texas by two or three landslides."  In fact the President won Texas with 52.2% of the vote.

Again stunned, the assembled press couldn't think of a followup.

Trump concluded with some harsh words for North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, saying, "if that guy [Kim Jong-un] wants to try to bomb anything else, say any sort of U.S. terrority or something like that, just let me say this: you don't have the balls.  You don't.  And I mean that.  I've got a whole fistful of pardons here too, just waiting, I dare you!"

WASHINGTON - Today President Trump criticized Michelle Obama's criticism of his presidency presented during the Democratic National Convention, saying, "She taped her responses, very unprofessional," and noted that her COVID-19 statistics were "totally inaccurate... the death count is much higher" than what she said in the pre-recorded segment.

"Four years later, the state of this nation is very different," the former First Lady said. "More than 150,000 people have died, and our economy is in shambles because of a virus that this president downplayed for too long. It has left millions of people jobless."

The President responded harshly, calling her video "poorly produced."  "She didn't even do the segment live, very disappointing," the President said.  "She said something like 150,000 dead [from the pandemic], but it's much more, closer to 170,000, you know, about 35,000 more than the U.S.lost in World War One, Korea, and Vietnam combined."  The President shook his head.  "Very, very sloppy and unprofessional segment research."

Stunned media pundits noted that the president's remarks "stunned" them.

Republican leaders supported the president's remarks at a hastily prepared press conference.  "I don't think it's even debatable that she prerecorded her statement," said John Johnson, the senior Republican senator from Wyoming.

Wall Street reacted by throwing tech stocks against a brick wall, and seeing which ones oozed to the floor, before scooping them all back up in early afternoon profit taking.

Photos: screenshots

WASHINGTON - Today President Trump signed the $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill, which promised Americans "10% off their stay" at "select Trump hotels worldwide," among other provisions.

"This is a really, really great deal," Trump said at the signing ceremony.  "I mean 10% off is nothing, nothing to sneeze at, considering that many, many folks don't have that much money these days" Trump added.  "And I'm happy to do it.  Rather the Trump Foundation is happy, extremely happy to do it.  I don't get any part of that either, just doing my part."

The bill also contains other provisions, including direct payments to struggling families, and "other very, very important stuff" according to the President.

FLORIDA - Former reality-television star Donald Trump today was found guilty of fraud by the New York judge handling the case.  At a rally near the actor's Mar-a-Lago resort-home, supporters went from merely "angry" to outright "frenzy" status on the news, as determined by A.I. Crowd Reader, a new phone app for taking the "emotional temperature" of gathered crowds. 

"The crowd was definitely in 'frenzy' territory," explained ACR CEO Sam Frenkin.  "At this point they're basically one stupid remark or idiotic slogan away from destroying a small town or village, whatever happens to be nearby."

Trump, meanwhile -- dozens of feet away from the crowd -- dismissed the judge's ruling as a "non-event" that "many, many people have said never even happened."   "Yes, I read the reports on my phone, well my assistant did, ok my youngest son did, he read it to me," Trump told reporters.  "Immediately many people around me starting saying that it was completely untrue, that they never read that, and in fact, when I grabbed the phone back from him, my son, it wasn't there either.  So now I'm thinking it probably never happened in the first place."

Nevertheless, New York Judge William Billington -- who insisted that he "existed" -- confirmed that he "did in fact rule against him [Trump]," finding him liable for reporting fraudulent financial statements for nearly a decade.  "Yes, it actually happened," confirmed Judge Billington.

WASHINGTON - Today the White House announced that Robert Builder, the billionaire founder of MegaFoods International, would lead government reconstruction efforts in Puerto Rico "effective immediately."

Mr. Builder, an accomplished chief executive of one of the world's foremost frozen foods conglomerates and one of Forbes magazines top 50 richest people in the world, has no formal engineering or construction experience.  However he is one of President Trump's closest friends and lifetime Mar-a-Lago golf club member.

Speaking to the press from Manila, the President praised Builder's ingenuity and drive.  "Bob is one of the nicest, most down to earth guys you'll ever meet, believe me.  He's amazing, really amazing.  Next to me, he's the only guy who could get this done, rebuilding Puerto Rico, seriously I mean that, and I know building believe me.  I've built an amazing amount of buildings, many, many golf courses, homes, and you name it, I've built it. And I'm going to build a wall too, you just wait and see, I'm going to have an announcement very, very soon about that too, so keep watching, you'll be amazed when you see the plans, trust me.  Besides: Bob the Builder?  How perfect is that?"

Off the record, one senior White House official was less enthusiastic about Mr. Builder's resumé.  "The 'Bob the Builder' thing?  Yeah that's why [the president] picked him.  I'm not kidding."

Photo: iStockPhoto.

WASHINGTON - Early this morning President Trump tweeted what he claimed was the "evidence" that the C.I.A. presented him showing his administration's ties to Russian intelligence operatives, in the form of two hastily doctored photographs with the President's name clearly visible in the image properties.

"Did you see my tweet," the President said later, cutting off the Prime Minister of Israel in mid-sentence during his unscheduled afternoon soliloquy.  "Did you see it?  That's the evidence they have, the CIA, that's what they have, and it's pathetic, pathetic.  Like Arnold Schwarzenegger, just sad, sad.  Nobody can fill my shoes.  They've clearly made it up."  The President then discussed his old T.V. show again, and how "dishonest" new coverage of him is, before segueing into a diatribe against "Vanity Fair," "terrible Russian vodka.. in Moscow of all places," a meditation on Ivanka's shoes for some reason, a meeting he had at "NASA someplace" that was "great," how "peace could be achieved" in the middle-east thanks to him "if only they'll listen to the best deal they'll ever get," and finally, we think, something to do with what either his wife or Kellyanne Conway wore yesterday, we're not sure.  Then the President just sort of wandered off the stage.

Taking a second to repressurize the press corps water cannon, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was quick to defend the President's tweet and his later comments.  "It's obvious to anyone who looks at those pictures that the evidence here was very, very slim," Spicer said, holding up very small pictures of the photos from twitter.  "I think it's obvious that the intelligence agencies have it out for President Trump."

He clearly just taped his face over someone else's and then said it was from the CIA to make their evidence seem shaky, said New York Times reporter Judy Judith.

"He clearly just taped his face over someone else's and then said it was from the CIA to make their evidence seem shaky," added New York Times' Judy Judith.

"At least use a different picture," added Fox News reporter Cliff Cliffords, dejectedly.

At this point, Spicer reengaged the water cannon, sweeping the assembled press and cameramen off their feet and into a large, wet, swirling mess headed at high-speed to the back conference room wall.

Interrupted at the execution of thirteen political dissidents, Russian President Vladimir Putin wiped away tears of laughter before cursing at reporters looking for a reaction.  As of filing, none of the reporters could be located.

WASHINGTON – Tweeting from the Oval Office today, President Trump announced the immediate sale of his “Best President Ever” commemorative coin for $99/each, with a limit of 100 coins to each customer. The profits will be donated to the Donald J. Trump Foundation, which the President was quick to remind us was “completely out of [his] control, totally out of [his] control” but “just a great, great company … staffed by great, wonderful people.”

Reloading his .308 hunting rifle, White House spokesman Sean Spicer fired two more warning shots at the White House Press Corps before continuing to explain the President’s seemingly unprecedented commercial venture for a sitting president. “This is a completely normal, uhh, thing for a president to do, promoting democratic values all over the world, particularly those interested in coin collecting,” Spicer explained.

“He’s keeping all the profits,” noted a Washington Post reporter.

“And using the U.S. treasury to mint the coins,” mentioned the New York Times.

This is pushing the boundaries of presidential hucksterism.

“Say what you will, this is unprecedented presidential behavior,” said Jack Jackson, the James Jamison Chair of Political History at Harvard. “We’ve had president’s hawking stuff before – Kennedy once sold yachting jackets, Dick Nixon offered a plate once with his likeness. Truman had a brand of cigar back in the 40s, Obama, well, he wrote a book, which really isn’t the same thing. But to use the U.S. mint to sell a commemorative coin for private profit? This is pushing the boundaries of presidential hucksterism. Even Nixon donated the $1,000 he ended up making on those cheap plates to the Flat Earth Society.”

WASHINGTON - Today we're almost positive President Trump held a press conference, based on the fact that he was standing in front of a podium and a bunch of people were surrounding him.  Plus we heard other reports call it a "press conference" but we're pretty sure they were guessing.

He talked about a lot of things, including broad reflections on active shooters, scumbags in the F.B.I., scumbags in the Democratic Party, scumbags who don't agree with him, pausing occassionally to pile generous praise upon the semi-shocked supporters surrounding him, who were nudged mere moments before so they woke and stood up.

We're not sure what the point of the event actually was.  "I don't know what that was," added Jim Brown, a political correspondent for the Inside Washington Politics news program.  "At one point I think he talked about fly fishing, baseball and maybe hunting or something, but it was too hard to follow in any logical sense."

Donald Trump made America great, or Donald Trump is making America great.

When you hear someone who supports Trump say that, what do they mean by great?

Great in what way?

Let’s use logic.

Let’s assume Donald Trump made America great, or is making American great.

If he makes America great, then it couldn’t be great before he took office. To become great, you have to be not great before you became great. You can’t already be great and then make something great.

You have to go from being un-great, to great.

Great how?

What was different (not great) when Obama was in office that’s great now? If you say Obama was black and Trump white and that’s why we became great when Trump took office you’re a racist. But we know even if you feel that way you won’t admit it.

You don’t want to come off like a racist.

Back to great. What’s great?

The economy? There are people who associate greatness with the size of their wallet. I try not to be that way—to reduce down a quality of character simply to how much money you have or can borrow.

In the Bible Jesus overturned the tables of the money changers, so it’s pretty obvious Jesus did not appreciate a money-grubber.

Some people think the sole worth of a person is things, personal possessions; if he has an expensive car, a boat, a big house (all usually for many of us brought on credit), and sits on a golden toilet seat like Trump.

Maybe you tell yourself with Trump in office you too can have a golden toilet seat.

This perhaps is the sole reason for thinking Trump made America great.

Let’s assume there was no COVID-19 pandemic. You can’t claim you made things great with people getting sick all over the place. But let’s assume that never happened; let’s assume the economy was doing just okay as it was before the pandemic, not great, just okay.

Let’s assume you think Trump in his time in office had made the economy great, even though the economy was on the upswing during Obama after he inherited when Bush left office the worst recession since the Great Depression of 1932.

And even though the middle class has been scrimped down it takes two people in many cases working two jobs today to earn what one person did in 1958 to live well.

For one person to claim responsibility for an economy that has hundreds even thousands of determining factors, interest rates, the Fed, the behavior or misbehavior of banks, the Stock Market which is highly sensitive depending on world events and results in investor confidence or lack of it.

The economy goes in cycles. What the economy is today goes back farther than Trump’s taking office.

For Trump to claim credit for an economy in which more money than ever is in the hands of a few mega-wealthy and the country owes billions more (deficit) than ever in the red----to call it greatness---this is a kind of mass fallacy/lunacy.

Let’s be honest. Let’s assume all you care about is yourself. You don’t care about anyone or anything else other than yourself, not climate change, not the suffering of less fortunate people---nothing.

You’re going to try and tell me before Trump took office your sole focus on yourself was not great----but now it’s great?

I mean, just in your own case----because if this is the type of person you are, you are the only one you think about.

Did Trump make it great for you where it was lousy before? How did he do it? How are you radically different than three years ago?

You have to wear a mask.

Trump’s claim to greatness is as if I said I alone am responsible for the sun rising yesterday.

That would make me greater than Trump. I made the sun come up and he didn’t.

It makes as much sense.

What do you mean by great? Great how?

Militarily? I don’t equate greatness with merely having a big and powerful army and lots of weapons. Is naked military power greatness to you? We had the same doomsday weapons during Obama that we have under Trump, so Trump could not have made America great in that way.

Are we great because we have more freedom than other people in other countries? Certainly, we’re more free than people in North Korea, but no Canadian would tell you he thinks you’re more free than he is (even with socialized medical care).

Is it because as citizens we can have guns?

Again, during Obama you could have a gun just like now. I’m not against the Constitution guaranteeing the right to possess firearms, but is our dysfunctional obsession with guns in a manner that no other country exhibits anywhere except here-----is that greatness----or a national disgrace?

Hitler promised to make Germany great again.

One thing about promising to make a country great, you should spell out what it is you mean by great, but if you do spell it out, you run the risk people will disagree-------with your concept of greatness.

I could get a hat and print an idiotic slogan on it that doesn’t present any specifics about what I mean or any facts to back up the specifics.

How about these:

In addition to “Great.”

Make America:

Shallow

Selfish

Racist

Sadistic

Dishonest

Delusional

More like the Mafia

I think it’s great we’re great again, but I don’t know how we are. No one including Trump has ever said how we are.

 John Sammon is a freelance writer, whose upcoming CD of a capella Gregorian chants sung over a unique spin of EDM trap/hip-hop is currently for sale wherever such things are sold.

Photo credit: Spenser and Mick De Paola via Unsplash