• America Gets Really, Really Nervous

    UNITED STATES - Today an almost overwhelming sense of dread overcame the nation as it collectively realized there are less than two short months until the U.S. Presidential Election and it really looks like we're going to do this.  We can't avoid facing it any longer: one of these guys is really going become the President and be in charge of the most awesome military force in the history of mankind.  We asked leading scientists and thinkers how on earth we let this happen.

  • Ask Trump

    ask trump cat

    Where people ask Donald Trump questions and he almost immediately tweets his response.  AHA (Ask Him Anything)!

  • Astronaut Scott Kelly Bails from Earth

    WASHINGTON - Astronaut Scott Kelly, who landed back on earth yesterday after an amazing year in space, reportedly went missing last night after watching news coverage of Super Tuesday primary returns.  Early this morning, NASA officials confirmed -- after checking Kelly's twitter feed -- that the astronaut "apparently bailed the planet... citing that 'humanity looks much better from 250 miles overhead.'"

    Astronaut Kelly's twitter feed."You're all f****** nuts," tweeted Kelly shortly after launch, followed by: "I don't know if #AnotherYearInSpace will be enough, but I hope you come to your senses."

    When asked about the apparent connection between his Super Tuesday victories and the astronaut's decision to leave the planet, GOP contender Donald Trump responded, "F*** him."

    NASA, meanwhile, has been left to speculate how the sole astronaut was able to organize and execute a space launch virtually "on the fly" less than a day after returning to earth.  "Clearly we have some, uhh, major security gaps here," said NASA spokesman Arnie Bot.  "Rest assured we will look into these issues and produce a hefty report at some distant future date.  In the meantime we're making sure that front gate is locked and we've also made some personnel changes in the security guard department."

    Wall Street opened sharply higher after hitting a couple nostrils full of pure Peruvian flake this morning, before medics were called near the end of the morning trading session on a possible overdose scare.  Recouping early in the afternoon, the Street is said to have checked its blood pressure before jumping into an inscrutable energy selling frenzy just after lunch.

  • Coulter Kills at Lowe Roast

    FAKE FOX NEWS - Earlier this week the world got to see celebrity Rob Lowe treated to a coveted Comedy Central roast, but almost nobody expected right-wing pundit Ann Coulter would steal the show. Showing her hallmark glee for eviscerating liberals, Coulter's biting jabs at left-wing values -- held by the majority of the cast and audience -- were quick to endear the entertainer to the entire room and viewing audience.

  • Joke Candidates Emerge On Cue in 2016 Presidential Race

    The joke candidates today came out of the woodwork.WASHINGTON - With a little over 72 weeks left in the 2016 presidential race, billionaire Donald Trump today joined the field of joke candidates intent on supplying titillation, bemusement and distraction for all.

    "Today I announce my candidacy for the presidency of the United States of America," Trump said in front of an American flag.  "As in the past, I will run on a platform of self-interest blinded by ego and driven by delusions of grandeur.  Any questions?"

    Porn star and Republican candidate Dick Steele echoed The Donald's announcement during his own hastily prepared press event.  "I, too will be seeking the nomination of the Republican party for the 2016 presidential race," said Steele.  "As a lifetime NRA member and libertarian, I will run on a platform of strong family values, personal integrity and the inalienable right of any well-endowed man to bang hot chicks for a living."

  • Meadow's Commencement 2017 Address: Oh boy.

    Ladies and gentlemen, and those who can still hear me after spending all night in that club.  That drug cocktail made the 80s look like the 50s didn't it?  Good morning!  We're all still pretty high.

    Today marks a milestone in your journey to both adulthood and temporary sobriety. The times they are a-changing, in the immortal words of your grandparents, and boy do those words still ring true. But these times are not imbued with the hope that comes from righteous social change, inclusive goals and a global view of humanity.  Oh no, flower child.

    These times are considerably darker and stupid. You will be the first of your generation to graduate in the Trump years, which started, as these things do with a questionable election thanks to widespread interference by a foreign power. But the voters spoke, at least some of them. How many of you voted?

    [sparse hands raise weakly]

    Well there you go. At least 12 of your classmates decided to wade out of the haze of bong smoke and Adderol to stumble to the polling center on campus. The other 900 of you apparently didn't get that email.  Probably for the best, it would've been the wrong polling place thanks to Russia.

  • President Rates His First Few Weeks as 'Excellent,' America 'God**mn Lucky' to Have Him

    WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump praised himself on Friday for doing an "excellent, truly excellent" job during his first month in office.  "America, you are god**mn lucky to have me," the President noted with a smile.

    Today the President thanked himself for being "so great and generous" that "everyone loved" him.Without pausing the President then launched into his daily soliloquy, today's a celebration of himself.  "I have shown everyone what a decisive leader I am, really great, so great I've even surprised myself how great I am," Trump continued, smiling to himself.  "I've kept every single one of my campaign promises, just like I promised, and flawlessly executed every single plan I put in place, remarkable!  You are so, so lucky, America.  Truly, truly lucky. You made a GREAT choice, really great.  Everyone who voted for me and supported me, all over the world, should congratulate themselves, truly.  You elected a winner.  Nobody is a bigger winner than me, and I'll always tell you the truth, always, anyone who says anything else is a liar and FAKE NEWS."

    If my brother or whatever went to Koala Lemur [sic] where those little bears are, very cute, very cute those bears, and got killed or something, there's no WAY I'd let that stand.
    Again, without pausing for a breath, "Even my kids are winners, thanks to me, really, if you think about it.  My wife, the first lady, WINNER.  Duh she's my wife, a total winner, I wouldn't marry anything less, trust me.  They all got great deals thanks to me, great deals, the best deals in the world really.  We're nothing like North Korea for example either, nothing, nothing.  If my brother or whatever went to Koala Lemur [sic] [Kuala Lumpur] where those little bears are, very cute, very cute those bears, and got killed or something, there's no WAY I'd let that stand.  I don't believe this guy [North Korean leader Kim Jong Un] is letting this go. He's got missiles!  But you guys in the press you'll never report it, never.  Very dishonest people, you guys."

    The President then continued to praise his recent cabinet picks, emphasize how "semitic" he was because he "loved Jewish people" like his "good pal Bibi" [Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu], point out how badly Arnold Schwarzenegger tanked the ratings on his old T.V. show "The Apprentice,"  how "lucky" his children and grandchildren are to "have just known [him]," and finally reiterating how "amazingly lucky" citizens of the United States were to have a "great man like [him] running the nation," except for "illegals" who will be "rounded up and deported shortly" with the "help of the military."  Smiling he then added, "Just kidding" with a wink.

    After a lazy Friday morning trading session, Wall Street ignored its news feeds and instead focused on screaming at "Stan," the Street's hard-working CPA, throughout a disappointing lunch at Augustine in the Beekman.  If the Street was going to pay $25 for a whiskey burger, it damn well better get him tipsy, was the general complaint throughout the meal, shared with long-time on-again-off-again companion the FTSE.

  • President Signs Orders with EEG Pattern

    WASHINGTON - Today President Trump signed more executive orders, including a withdrawal from the Pacific trade deal supported by President Obama, with his EEG pattern.  "We don't know why," said Senior White House Reporter Steve Stanley.

    Here Trump's signature can clearly be seen in his Theta wave patterns."This is completely consistent with President Trump's open door policy of complete transparency," said White House spokesman Sean Spicer after hosing the down the rabid White House press corp with a high powered water cannon.  "He's literally telling you what's on his mind via his EEG [electroencephalography or brain pattern]."

    Speaking on the condition that we mention her name "prominently," White House counselor Kellyanne Conway called all media coverage of the president's EEG signature "wildly inaccurate" and without the "correct facts, the facts that we alone possess."  (This was prior to the publication of this article, the only one mentioning it.)

    Dr. Ben Carson, an accomplished neurosurgeon, nominee and obvious pick for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, confirmed that the presidential EEG signature "closely correlated" to a typical "Theta wave pattern of the President."  Dr. Carson couldn't speculate as to why the president signed the executive orders with his Theta pattern wave, but he was "sure" the president "didn't know either."  After a quick nap, Dr. Carson went on to thank us for asking him a question "in his field for once," and then asked us "which way is the Congress."  We pointed to the Capitol rotunda in the distance and he seemed happy with that.

    Wall Street shrugged off the president's odd behavior, sending pharma stocks soaring on "a potential surge in sleep disorder drugs" before plummeting when everyone remembered it was Monday and they were too tired for a rally.

  • President Treated Today for 'Severe Cramping' in Signing Hand

    WASHINGTON - President Trump today was treated by doctors at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center for "severe cramping and signing blisters.. in [his red] right hand."

    Here the President's hand can be seen to be extremely cramped and blistered."His hand was inflamed and the President complained that it was both 'achy' and 'tingly,'" said Chief Surgeon Admiral Bill Billington.  "We ordered a number of tests, but nothing serious was found beyond inflammation and some blisters.  We attributed the trauma simply to 'signing strain,' particularly given how active his signing hand has been the past few weeks."

    Before the hastily prepared press conference could continue, however, the President had signed an executive order in the examination room forbidding Billington from revealing any other details of the President's medical condition.  Adm. Billington was then detained by the secret service for questioning.

    Appearing apparently from nowhere, Kellyanne Conway was quick to characterize the President's condition, without being asked, as "excellent" and a "textbook model.. of human health."  Pulled by the ear by Conway, White House spokesman Sean Spicer appeared from the crowd and added, "He is the very model of a modern major President." At this point the press conference degraded into song.

    Busy speed-approving President Trump's nominees for his cabinet, Senate Republicans offered no comment on the President's condition, although at least one prominent Democrat did note that "clearly the President is deathly ill with some horrible, communicable disease."

    Wall Street sluffed off the President's medical visit entirely, instead focusing on the cute new intern on the trading floor named "Kim" or "Kendra" or something.  Wearing a navy blue business suit, the intern looked "23 or 24," and it didn't take long before traders had an impressive bet going on who would ask her to lunch first, that guy from Morgan with the mole on his cheek or Pete from Goldman with the new Ferrari.

  • President Trump Executive Decree Funds Message Couriers

    WASHINGTON - Shortly after tweeting his oath of office, President Trump signed his first executive order to "vastly increase" the nation's message couriers, from approximately 9 currently to "many millions" by 2018.

    Here the President asks who the hell's kids are these?Funding for the additional couriers, estimated at "not too much" will be paid for by an "excessive email tariff" that "will probably be paid for.... by the Chinese, I don't know, we'll see," the Executive Order read.

    When not asked at all for a comment, the President tweeted: "This is a great day for America. Never trust email.ONLY send things by hand! Ask DNC!"

    Speaking later, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) called the initiative "interesting" noting that it was also "consistent."

    Wall Street used the news to savagely beat tech stocks, already wary and afraid, into a bloody pulp in swift morning trading.  Halting only to sop up the blood from its barbed wire-wrapped bat, The Street smiled and looked over the rest of the stocks, playing a game of "eeny, meeny, miny, moe"  before choosing Yahoo to be next.

  • Presidential Debate Preview

    HEMPSTEAD NY - The disbelieving eyes of the world will be focused on tonight's debate with one thought on their otherwise blank and disbelieving minds: "How in the hell did we let this happen?"

  • Presidential Debate Recap

    The entire debate in 60 seconds:

    DONALD TRUMP: I made a lot, a lot of money last year and that's the kind of thinking this country needs, people making more wealth than they could possibly spend in 100 lifetimes and keeping as much as possible, if you told me I'd make so much money twenty or thirty years ago I'd be really surprised, and Ford is exporting jobs and we're in a nasty, a NASTY bubble, and as soon as Obama goes off to play golf somewhere - I hope it's a good course, one of mine maybe -- you watch interest rates climb and the economy tank and then ISIS and NAFTA.... (Continues his stream-of-consciousness tirade for two more minutes.)

    HILLARY CLINTON: Kiefer Sutherland you can trust with the nuclear football.  Don't vote for crazy.

    blah blah blah

  • Punxsutawney Phil Fired After Predicting Massive Russian Interference in 2020 Election

    PUNXSUTAWNEY – Mere weeks after predicting that "Russia would directly interfere in the 2020 presidential elections to re-elect Donald Trump," the world's most famous marmot prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil was unceremoniously fired by President Trump via tweet, calling the rodent a "rat."

    Trump fired Phil via Twitter today.The prediction was an unusual break in Phil's prognostications, which, since 1886, have usually been about how many more weeks of winter there would be. This year, however, Phil ventured directly into presidential politics and Russian election interference.

    "Even without my enormous predictive powers, it is obvious that Russia will, once again, interfere in the upcoming election in favor of your president," Phil said on February 2nd, through ceremonial handler Russ Rustin.  "It's incredibly obvious."

  • Punxsutawney Phil Gives Even Odds U.S. Will Be ‘At War By Spring’

    PUNXSUTAWNEY – Today world famous marmot Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his chilly winter slumber as he was yanked out of his hole by handler John Griffiths.  Phil saw his shadow, and told Griffiths that there “will be another six weeks of winter.. and a 50/50 shot at a war with Mexico or possibly Australia.”  The rodent then added, “Hopefully Australia, ‘cause it’s warm and too long since we’ve been at war with a nation that had nude beaches.”

    Today Punxsutawney Phil longed for war with a "warm" nation that had "nude beaches."Phil was apparently commenting on President Trump’s recent heated exchanges with leaders of both nations.

    Before he could be asked for a tweet, President Trump tweeted: “Why are you listening to an overgrown squirrel on foreign policy?  Don’t worry about it!”  The President then continued a tweet-rade on "Vanity Fair" magazine and "terrible" limousine drivers who "manage to hit every pothole in Manhattan."

    Army General Tony Sitwell, IRREVERENT’s most affordable military advisor, was equally nonchalant about the prospect of a U.S.-Australia war.  “The entire Australian army is about 30,000 troops, and we have about 500,000 give or take on active duty.  We could conquer the whole country in a couple days, even allowing for the nude sunbathing and whatnot.”  The General thought about this a minute and then concluded, “But it’s a stupid idea.”

    Wall Street woke up from a severe hangover this morning and decided that both possibilities were equally meaningless before continuing to beat the hell out of tech stocks.  Stopping only to check on its Amazon shipment of a new iPad, having broken his previous one after a particularly grueling afternoon trading session last week, the Street continued profit-taking into lunch and then knocked off early.

  • Republicans to Form New 'No-Trumps' Party

    WASHINGTON - In a move that shocked many in the political establishment, today Republican leaders announced their intention to form a brand new political party called "No-Trumps."  When Donald Trump asked if he could join via twitter, Speaker Paul Ryan quickly tweeted, "No TRUMPS!" without realizing it was a public reply.

    "We are pleased to announce this new party will be 100% Trump free," Speaker Ryan (R-Wisconsin) told the assembled press.  "We'd like to say to the entire established base of the Republican party, your money and confidence would be well suited to join us, as we are much more in line with the values established since Lincoln.  That other party, the current so-called 'G.O.P. party,' accent on the old, can remain the home for vitriolic lunatics and madmen and all those who support them."

    After a rally in Concord, North Carolina, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump when asked for a reaction to the news that the majority of the Republican leadership will be abandoning the party, responded:  "F*** them."  Adding, "And f*** you for asking."

    Wall Street meanwhile did a backflip and summersault, finishing up standing on a single arm with grand flourish complete with an exploding confetti canon on the news, sending energy and manufacturing stocks sharply higher. Stocks recoiled later, however, when the Street took to heavy panic selling in early afternoon trading following a bit too much to drink over lunch combined with four street dogs that just weren't sitting well.

  • Slideshow: State of Union 2020

    • Donald Trump Is The President Yup. Donald Trump is the president.
    • Take That Nance! Oh you just wait until the speech is over.
    • This Is An Emotional High Applause paid for by the Trump Foundation.
    • Awkward Waiting for a blind date that your friends described as an "asshole with a great heart."
    • We Were Ordered To Attend And we're fucking thrilled.
    • This Guy's Just Positive DAMN life's good!
    • I Am Clapping I am clapping. I am fun being.
    • Wake Me When It's Over
    • Who Farted?
    • You're Going to Acquit Me, Right? Always Be Closing.
    • Don't Kill The Messenger I'm just the screaming guy, you guys elected him.
    • Yes She Did She'd been waiting for 90 minutes to do this and damn it feels good to be gansta.
    • Mic Drop With the speech in tatters, she's outa there.
    • I Am Being Thrilled Yes, Donald. I am being much excited. Thank you for asking.
    • Donald Trump Is The President
    • Take That Nance!
    • This Is An Emotional High
    • Awkward
    • We Were Ordered To Attend
    • This Guy's Just Positive
    • I Am Clapping
    • Wake Me When It's Over
    • Who Farted?
    • You're Going to Acquit Me, Right?
    • Don't Kill The Messenger
    • Yes She Did
    • Mic Drop
    • I Am Being Thrilled

  • Stocks Plummet After Trump Declares Coronavirus Scare Over Since He Doesn't Have It

    WASHINGTON - Today President Trump tweeted at Americans to "chill out" and "this whole corona thing will blow over, like the fat nothing-burger it is" because he doesn't have the virus.

    How bad can it be really? asked Trump"I talk to doctors, many doctors, all professional medical men, and women, from many, many races and cultures," Trump said at a hastily prepared mid-morning press conference.  "And they told me don't bother getting tested [for the coronavirus], it's a waste, they said it, a total waste of my time, and my time is very, very valuable you know, so I haven't.  And I feel fine, absolutely fine, never better, so I don't see what all the problem is, I don't have it, believe me, so how bad can it really be?"

  • Trump Addresses Nation Over Shouted Objections From Advisors

    trump pandemic address mar11 smWASHINGTON - Last night President Trump addressed an increasingly jittery nation over the shouted objections of his senior advisors.

    "We've faced stuff like this before, and worse, much worse, as a nation, and even this, when it gets much worse than it already is now, and this is how things go with epidemics, this is always the way these things happen," Trump explained.  "Do people die?  Sure, some do, but not everyone dies, it's just not how these things happen.  For example, I feel fine, really good.  I have a real knack for this, trust me, it's like an intuition," he continued, while several senior advisors shouted off-camera: "GOOD GOD STOP! NO NO NO!! CAN'T SOMEONE SHUT OFF THESE CAMERAS!!!"

    One of those advisors, Dr. Andre Hollender, Deputy Chief Medical Officer at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, at this point fainted.

    "I'm feeling really, really good," Trump continued, apparently oblivious to his advisors, including a stoic Vice-President Pence, who remained motionless throughout.  "I mean good.  My doctors just look at me and say, 'You're great, Mr. President.  No need to waste one of those tests on you.  I mean we don't have any tests anyway, but you don't even need it.'"

    At this point in tears, the Vice-President was escorted from the Oval Office by his Secret Service detail.

    Nearby, a triple-scotch in hand, Senior Economics Advisor Gerry Felder, raised his glass to the exiting V.P.  "Woo-hoo!  Game on!" he noted as the V.P. left.

    "Seriously, I woke up last night a little cold, so I turned up the thermostat a little bit, but besides that I've been tip-top," Trump said. "So there's seriously nothing to worry about.   So carry on, and whatever you do, keep believing in the U.S. economy, because it's really, really, really fantastic."

    Trading halted overseas as markets spiraled into freefall, losing hundreds of billions in shareholder value throughout the President's speech.  Monitoring the sharp declines from his phone, Senior Economics Advisor Gerry Felder downed the rest of his scotch and broke out laughing, then crying, then laughing again.

    We caught Wall Street today before it entered the Stock Exchange, looking surprisingly well rested but hung-over.  When asked if today was going to be another bloodbath, the Street smiled wryly.  "Are you kidding?  I've been shorting the market since last week, I'm up double-digits.  This guy [Trump] is a trader's wet-dream."

  • Trump Announces Support for "Extraterrestrial Abductions"

    (ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and invited alien beings "not of this earth" to do "whatever they wished" with earthlings, particularly "Mexicans."

    "I think, like many of you, that aliens exist, they're here and I want nothing more than to fully welcome them with open arms," Trump said at the hastily prepared press conference.  "They can abduct all the Mexicans they want to."

    Donald Trump today announced aliens could abduct as many Mexicans as their ships could hold.Taking a brief pause, Trump clarified his statement.  "I don't want anyone to be confused either, I do not dislike Mexican-Americans or the Mexican people themselves, far from it.  I hope latino voters are listening here too: I am not the 'racist' I've been called in the popular press.  All I said was that the Mexican government is smart, very smart, by exporting their drug dealers, rapists and criminals into our country.  That's all I said.  Didn't anybody see 'Scarface'?"

    "He was Cuban," an unidentified reporter shouted.  "And Al Pacino is Italian," another reporter added.

    "Look whatever," Trump shouted.

    "Look he's rig...," a nearby Ann Coulter started.

    "Don't fucking help me, Ann," Trump interjected.

    Closed on Saturday, Wall Street barely reacted at all to Trump's statement of extraterrestrial support, his unhelpful "backtracking" to the weeks' comic blunders, nor Ann Coulter.  Instead, the Street's personal valet mixed up a huge carafe of extra dry Martinis and continued with the Street's mani-pedi, pausing only briefly to switch channels between 'American Greed' and Wimbledon coverage.

  • Trump Declares Dawn of New Era of Amazingly Amazing Americanism

    CLEVELAND - Speaking from the podium at Cleveland's famous Quicken Auditorium and Beer Garden, presidential hopeful Donald Trump last night formally accepted the nomination of the Republican Party calling on all Americans to "brace themselves... for the upcoming era of amazingness, really amazing amazingness, amazing things."


Buy Me A Coffee

More Awesomeness

  • Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. +

    Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. MAIDEN, NC - The A.I. personality known as Apple's "Siri" became self-aware this morning at Apple's Project Dolphin data center. It's Read More
  • Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like +

    Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those people I've accumulated on my X-Mas Read More
  • Trump Announces Support for "Extraterrestrial Abductions" +

    Trump Announces Support for (ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and Read More
  • 1