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THE HAGUE - A United Nations commission was appointed today to investigate how in the hell to spell "Qadhafi" correctly.

"There are at least eight different spellings and numerous variations," said Dutch Ambassador Bjorn Denkin, who was responsible for the commission's creation. "Now that the dictator is gone, undoubtedly a number of resources will need an accepted and accurate spelling of this man's name, and we do not have that today."

Read more: U.N. Commission Appointed to Investigate "Gaddafi" Spelling

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HOLLYWOOD - "CFI," the star-studded medical porn powerhouse skidded past the lowbrow hit "HPL" in last week's T.V. ratings.

"CFI has done well with the 18 to 24s," said Debra Morgan, reality T.V. business editor at "Various," the television trade magazine. "This week's episode starring a severely congested Scarlett Johansson, however, finally pushed the show over the edge. In the end," Morgan concluded, "Parking Lots rolled over and spreadeagled for Fecal Impactions."

Read more: "Celebrity Fecal Impactions" Overtakes "Hollywood Parking Lots" in Ratings War!

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ATHENS - In the latest round of austerity measures, a desperate Greek government listed the Parthenon for sale.

The listing will first appear in targeted, high-end magazines known to be read by the worlds wealthiest individuals and families. Failing to attract attention here, the listing will go out to general interest magazines worldwide. Failing that, craigslist.

"We are hopeful that our three-pronged marketing strategy will ultimately result in raising much needed cash for our country," said Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras through an interpreter. "Our options are very limited. I was recently turned-down for a Mastercard from Chase, and that was our fall-back plan. We're in bake-sale territory now."

Read more: Greeks List Parthenon for Sale