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WASHINGTON - NASA today confirmed that an asteroid IS ABOUT TO SMASH INTO THE EARTH ENDING ALL LIFE ON THE PLANET!

Asteroid 2005 YU55 will hit earth tonight, ending all life on the planet. Stock market rallies!"We were wrong!" confessed NASA astronomer Lennart Koeman, Ph. D. "We thought asteroid 2005 YU55 was going to miss the earth, and just do a flyby, but I FORGOT TO CARRY THE 10 AND MY CALCULATIONS WERE ALL WRONG!!"

Koeman was doing the calculations by hand, coworker Hieremias Kuang told us, because Koeman's regular solar calculator was "a piece of crap."

Asteroid 2005 YU55 is approximately 1,300 feet across, travelling at nearly 30,000 mph and is expected to collide with the earth sometime "after dinner tonight" in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of North America. The resulting 4,000-megaton explosion is expected to vaporize the state of Hawaii instantly, and the subsequent magnitude 7+ earthquakes with 70+ foot tsunamis are expected to kill 99% of human beings in a matter of hours.

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ANTARCTICA - Here in -43° F windchills, another 20 people have been reported missing or seriously wounded by "Occupy Antarctica."

Plagued by constant polar bear and penguin attacks, Occupy Antarctica proteters have come to doubt their movement's meaning.A winter storm struck the occupiers two days ago, with torrential snows, gale force winds and blistering windchills battering the protesters. "We're running seriously low on rations," said Sonny Bloxam, the democratically elected spokesperson for the Occupy Antarctica movement, an off-shoot of Occupy Wall Streeters. "But we will NOT resort to clubbing seals, no matter what some of us say, I'm looking at you Donnie! We will find a renewable source of protein and nourishment, somewhere in this barren arctic wilderness."

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MILWAUKEE - Mid-level manager Billy Simpson today spoke all day long on the phone discussing things, but actually got nothing done.

Simpson (center) talked all day long and got absolutely nothing done except bothering his coworkers.Simpson, however, was exhausted at the end of the day. "I knocked off around 4pm," he said, "completely exhausted. I got a lot of things going today, and just need to keep all the balls in the air. Overall, it was a good day."

Coworkers sitting next to Simpson, though, had a different take. "He didn't get anything accomplished today at all," noted Bernie Shoemaker, one of Simpson's peers. "His team doesn't do anything, and neither does he. Frankly I'm shocked he hasn't been fired."

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  1. Wall Street Mainstay Dewey-Cheetum Declares Bankruptcy
  2. Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T.
  3. Man Suffers Panic Attack Reading Side-Effects on Anti-Anxiety Medicine
  4. Kiyoko Electric Set To Build Nuclear Plant Near Usu Volcano

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