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HOLLYWOOD - NBS's new drama "Talk To The Hand," inspired by Jodi Foster's film "The Beaver," entirely failed to connect with audiences last night.

"Talk To The Hand," an alienated show about an alienated loser in a post-modern landscape, completely tanked in the overnights.The drama focuses on the trials and tribulations of Darryl Gibb (played by Parker Blythe, the veteran "Criminal Intentions: Hawaii" star), a lonely and alienated assistant produce manager at a local box store who can only relate to the world at large through his sock puppet "Petey." Audiences and critics alike were equally bored and angry with last night's pilot, pushing up NBS's promoted hashtag "#nbsttth" into a top spot on a wave of Twitter scorn, mockery and hate.

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WASHINGTON - In a surprise announcement issued from the White House gym today, President Obama ordered the NBA to resolve its ongoing labor dispute and get the season underway by Christmas.

“Look,” said the President, nattily attired in gym shorts and a blue blazer after the traditional Saturday pick-up game. “We've got a bunch. of our young men and women returning home from Iraq in a few weeks. They're coming home to record unemployment and, frankly, no hope that things are going to get any better for them what with the PTSD and all. We need the NBA to provide a diversion so that they can forget about their troubles, especially since Christina Aguilera's gotten so fat. And not curvy 'junk in the trunk' fat. The girl's just gross, amiright?”

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METROPOLIS - Officials were stunned today when asteroid 2005 YU55 was directed away from the earth thanks to superhero Superguy.

Superguy saved the earth today by diverting the asteroid away from earth using his super-strength and ability to hold his breath a really, really long time!"It is with great pleasure that I name today, November 8th 'Superguy Day,'" said mayor Cuthbert Layton in a late afternoon media event in front of the state building. "Without the heroic work of Superguy, and his ability to hold his breath a really, really long time, our planet surely would've been destroyed, or at least left as a lifeless ball hurling through the void of space."

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  1. AHHH!!! ASTEROID TO SMASH INTO EARTH!!!
  2. Twenty More Lost in "Occupy Antarctica"
  3. Man Talks All Day on Phone And Gets Nothing Done
  4. Wall Street Mainstay Dewey-Cheetum Declares Bankruptcy

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