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MENLO PARK - Highly placed Facebook sources today confirmed that the pending I.P.O. will "dwarf all other human events..throughout history."

The I.P.O., which is anticipated to launch Wednesday, is widely expected to eclipse the 1969 moon landing, the publication of Gutenberg's bible, and the building of the Great Pyramids at Giza combined. "This is, without doubt, the single greatest thing humanity has yet achieved," said C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg, "or, quite frankly, is likely to ever achieve. Today I walk with the Gods. I... I am immortal."

Sources outside the firm, but connected to the I.P.O., have wholeheartedly confirmed Zuckerberg's appraisal. "He is god, or if not THE god, certainly A god," said one investment banker at a prominent Wall Street firm. "Facebook will be the ultimate I.P.O. and the crowning achievement of 21st century capitalism. I have no idea what could possibly come next!"

Read more: Facebook I.P.O. Biggest Event In Human History, Says Facebook

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ITALY - Captain Umberto Rotolo today confessed to investigators he was "updating his Facebook status" instead of driving the Costa Concordia cruise ship.

As a result, the luxury cruise ship Costa Concordia capsized near the Tuscan island of Isola del Giglio. "My phone, she is very hard to use with Swype," said Rotolo, holding up his Android cell phone. "The letters, they are almost always wrong, and I havato correct them many times and often. Anda my screen, she is always oily and hard to see."

Investigator Agapito Pastore called the captain's admission "a relief... to finally knowa the truth." "We'vea been looking at everything here, to understand," said Pastore. "We thoughta the six bottles of Chianti meant he wasa drunka, but no, he was well within the legal limits for Italy. Now Facebook, thata explains everything."

Read more: Italian Ship Captain Admits He Was Updating Facebook

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BOSTON - A group of tax protesters were wounded this morning when a nearby bridge collapsed into rubble from years and years of neglect.

The collapse also took down a set of power and telephone lines, knocking out service to nearly 1,000 local homes. "In truth, those lines were ready to fall down on their own," confessed Stuart Miller, a city engineer investigating the incident. "We were all kinda surprised they made it this long. They were put up sometime in the 1950s."

Read more: Tax Protesters Maimed By Collapsing Bridge