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Written by IRNewz

WASHINGTON - Testifying before congress, Fed. Chair Ben Bernanke predicted "extremely strong and vigorous growth" for his "beard... but not the economy."

"I can see a time when my beard reaches truly Grizzly Adams like length and girth," Bernanke told legislators. "With some attention to grooming and continued vigorous treatments with Rogaine, my beard could double or even triple in volume... unlike this economy. That puppy's a goner."

The members of the Senate Banking Committee listened to the news in stunned silence. "If you're going through that much Rogaine anyway, why not use it on your head too?" asked Senator Corker (R-TN) after a long pause. "I mean Dan Haggerty, well he had a full head of hair as well as the beard, didn't he?" asked Senator Menendez (D-NJ). "I didn't know Rogaine worked on beards," added Senator Hagan (D-NC).

Read more: Bernanke Predicts Strong Growth For Beard

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Written by IRNewz

WASHINGTON - The Senate today passed a very large bill, probably full of over 100,000 words, that nobody bothered to read.

"The bill had a lot, and I mean a LOT of text in it," said Senator Bill Hume (R-Tenn). "Having glanced over some of the words, it appeared to be organized into a number of different sections, each one labelled for reference."

"It had a table of contents of sorts," added Senator Jack Blakeworth (D-Mass). "It appeared to correspond to the labelled sections throughout the document."

"It weighed nine pounds and five ounces," further added Senator Claire Dawkins (D-Conn). "I remember that because it's the same weight as my first son Josh."

The senators then discussed Senator Dawkin's child for a time -- looking at recent pictures on the Senator's phone and inquiring over Josh's school experience -- before breaking up and heading into the Senate Dining Room.

Read more: Senate Passes Bill Nobody Read

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Written by IRNewz

WASHINGTON - Today U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta admitted "grave worries" over Punxsutawney Phil's prediction of "six more weeks of winter."

"We are currently studying the ramifications in many different dimensions," said Panetta, his face pinched in worry. "However, I can tell you," Panetta added, crinkling his nose, "I am deeply, deeply worried."

Expanding on his remarks with his trademark bloodhound "Leo" at his side, a sour-faced Panetta explained that he was "extremely, amazingly worried" about Phil's prediction due to it's possible impact to "all current U.S. military operations" as well as it "simply being very troubling." "In short, I am very worried and will continue to monitor the situation, and every single possible outcome, in every conceivable way that I can, losing days of sleep in the process," said a very worried Panetta, squinting and making his best worried face.

Read more: Defense Sec. Panetta "Deeply Worried" Over Groundhog Prediction