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Written by IRNewz

HAWAII - The billionaire owner of Ellison Island (aka Lana'i, Hawaii) announced today his island will feature a solid gold statue of himself welcoming visitors.

At 305 feet, the 24 carat gold statue will be the single largest freestanding structure ever constructed out of precious metals, consisting of an estimated 2,167 "good delivery" 400 oz gold bars. The statue will weigh nearly 36 tons and be worth in excess of $1.3 billion at today's gold prices, nearly twice the estimated value of the island itself.

Local ellisonians were elated when Ellison unveiled his plans at the newly constructed "Ellison Dome," giving their owner a standing ovation lasting nearly 20 minutes. Outside the dome, a ceremonial fire was being tended by island officials, who then immolated three calves and 20 chickens in their new owner's name.

Read more: 'Ellison Island' To Feature 305 Ft. Gold Statue of Ellison

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Written by IRNewz

WASHINGTON - Controversial talk show host Rush Limbaugh was honored by the NOAW at a gala celebration yesterday and this evening.

"Although we may not agree with his stance on women's rights," said NOAW national spokeswoman Mina Devine, "we ahh.. Well, yes. Wait who are you?"

Previous recipients of the prestigious National Achievement award include former Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi (2001, 1999, 1989), local area businesswoman Natille Ó Fionnagáin (2007, 2008, 2009), and the guy who does Ms. Devine's plumbing Matt Siskel, who won the annual award eight times in 2010.

"I don't know why they gave me that award," admitted Siskel. Siskel had just finished unclogging Ms. Devine's toilet when she asked him to attend the award ceremony in April 2010, and was "shocked" when he realized an actual award would be presented to him. "I didn't do anything for chicks or anything to get an award like that," Siskel said. "A few were pretty hot at the dinner though."

Read more: National Organization of Amnesiac Women Award Rush Limbaugh Twice

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Written by Brian DiMaio

ARLINGTON, VA - When Kyle “Lombardi” Pennington, 25, first made a date with Charlene Davidson, he said he thought she was into sports. The two had met on Match.com, and in their texts and e-mail exchanges, she seemed “pretty cool and could talk some fantasy football, at least enough to hold a decent conversation,” Pennington said.

But when the two met up last Friday night for their first official date, Pennington said she wasn’t at all like she came across in her e-mails.

“She was totally different than she was online,” Pennington said. “I immediately started telling her about my draft preparation, about how most a------- only spend the week or two leading up to their draft reading magazines or s--- online. But any champion will tell you, if you’re serious, you have to read stuff all year round about players and teams. That’s the first step in winning championships. Are you writing this down, bro?”

Pennington said he brought his league championship trophy on their date, which he’d “won four out of the last five years. That by itself should have gotten me (to third base).”

Read more: Man Shocked That His Fantasy Football Success Didn’t Get Him Laid On First Date