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Written by IRNewz

HONG KONG - Protesters decrying the poorly done YouTube portrayal of the Buddha as "morbidly obese" and "in more desperate need of Weight Watchers than inner peace" set fire to a local McDonald's this morning, after violently storming a protective police line.

A spokesrioter for the Buddhist splinter group "Ain't Karma a Bitch" (approx. translation) characterized the actions as "expected... given the vicious characterization of our holiest man of peace."  "We will not tolerate any portrayal of the Buddha that paints him in anything but the holiest, most peaceful light.  Those who dare to transgress will be tortured and killed."

The U.S. State Department responded by issuing a statement denouncing both the McDonald's attack and the video that started it all.  "The United States had absolutely nothing to do with the video, which we find to be both in poor taste and suffering from terrible production values.   The United States Government's official position is that the Buddha is a profound symbol of peaceful reflection, and in no way merely a 'fat, disgusting slob' as indicated in the anonymous YouTube video that, until two days ago, had 37 views and 211 dislikes."

Read more: Radical Buddhist Fundamentalists Destroy McDonald's

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Written by IRNewz

EARTH - Everyone on the planet today -- men and women alike -- were unabashed in their bitterness and despair over Heidi Klum's new boyfriend, her bodyguard Martin Kirsten, because it means the rest of us are out of the running.

 "There was a chance, albeit a slim, slim chance that I could possibly have dated [Klum] after her divorce from Seal," said one man in London, speaking on behalf of all men on the planet.  "I knew it was slim, but at least there was hope.  Now forget it."

"I'm not gay or anything," said the man's girlfriend, standing next to him, "but I would totally go lesbo for Heidi."  Both the woman and her boyfriend nodded their agreement.  "I would totally understand," added the boyfriend, without a trace of jealousy.

Seriously, right: I mean we're talking Heidi Klum.

Klum announced her new relationship on Katie Couric's new talk show "Soon To Be Cancelled," which presumably airs on some sort of channel or maybe Hulu. "My relationship with Martin just started," said Klum. "I could've picked any single human being on the planet, but I chose him."

Read more: World Bitter Over New Heidi Klum Love

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Written by Brian DiMaio

CHICAGO - With the Chicago Teachers Strike heading into its second week, an under-represented yet extremely vital group of people in the educational machine whose livelihood is also adversely affected by the work stoppage has begun to speak out.

 Lost in the uproar over higher pay and benefits the teachers are seeking are the individuals who help give Chicago area students an education via “less traditional” means: the term paper salesmen.

“I have a habit to feed-er… kids to feed,” said a man who would only call himself James, a self-described Academic Advisory Expert. “First we had to contend with the internet with kids buying inferior products to ours with no vetting or customization. We still fight that battle, but with no teachers assigning homework and essays and term papers, we have absolutely no market. And we’re dying out here.”

Experts say that purchasing term papers and other homework is a $7 million-a-year industry, and that’s just in Chicago alone. Even in a bad economy, students still find ways to pay for a paper from a reliable source they can trust.

Read more: Little-Talked About Group Also Suffering From Teachers Strike: The Term Paper Dealers