IRREVERENT News

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MADISON - In a press statement today, police warned citizens to be on the lookout for "any type of athletic leader," and avoid them at all cost.

"Athletic leaders -- including football, basketball, volleyball and certainly swimming coaches and all types of athletic director -- should be considered, like Hollywood celebrities, vicious sexual predators and avoided wherever they are found," said Police Commissioner Bud Halifax. "Paul Mira, Bobby Dodd, Jerry Sandusky and John Chadima are just the tip of what these dangerous athletic leaders can and will do to anyone that comes in contact with them."

Read more: Citizens Urged To Avoid Athletic Leaders!

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WASHINGTON - Today Newt Gingrich announced that if elected, his would be the first "open presidency," allowing him to rule other nations.

If enacted, this would be the first time a sitting President of the United States would simultaneously be the head of state for another nation. The closest any previous president came to this was President George W. Bush, who was simultaneously the "Honorary Chief Executive of Fantasyland," within the Walt Disney theme park.

"It's an interesting precedent to consider," said Jolie Schuchert, a political analyst and Constitutional scholar with the Morgan Group think-tank. "Certainly a bizarre demand, especially from a candidate who doesn't even have his party's nomination. Perhaps this will propel his candidacy forward. Or quickly get him humiliated and discarded like Herman Cain or Rick Perry."

Read more: Gingrich Demands "Open Presidency" If Elected

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DALLAS - Having chewed up his existing mouth-shoe, today Rick Perry was fitted for a new one at Brack & Sons Fine Shoes.

His old shoe, a size 10 Allen Edmonds had been severely chewed up lately on the campaign trail as well as the debates. "Normally, [Governor Perry]'s shoes can last ten or eleven months stuck in his mouth," said Jim Fingle, Perry's campaign manager. "This one looks like a pit bull's been gnawing it for a year, and it's only been a week."

"We're going to find a shoe for the governor that meets his unique situation," said shoe salesman Ed Drucker, an employee at Brack & Sons. "One that is particularly well built, and one that matches the governor's stature and standing in the community. Also one that is resistant to being soaked in saliva."

Drucker fit the governor's mouth earlier today for a replacement size 10 Allen Edmonds "Bradley." Because the governor was only buying one shoe, the price was cut in half to $275.

Read more: Rick Perry Fitted For New Mouth-Shoe