IRREVERENT News

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SEATTLE - Moderately radical cleric Sheik Raini al-Jezeera was found dead today in his locked hotel room.

Al-Jezeera, who was scheduled to maryr himself next Tuesday in Lebanon, instead committed suicide yesterday inside his Hilton hotel room.  The room was locked from the inside.

The cleric was in Seattle promoting his new book on moderate radicalism called "I'll Martyr Myself... Soon," which landed its author on the New York Times best-seller list for two weeks running.  A passionately outspoken proponent of "suicide bombing... as an effective means to start meaningful political dialogue," Al-Jezeera was also reputed to have a gentler side, one that "actually enjoyed" the company of "some women," and that had a cat named "Hakmat" ("judgement").  Nevertheless, no note was left behind and there were no signs of a break in.

"Sheik Raini was be missed in the suicide bombing community," said fellow radical cleric Sheik Binrabi al-Couscous, after speaking at the ceremonial bombing of the latest Beirut Walmart, which featured one of Al-Jezeera's suicide pupils.  "He was an inspiration to all those who seek to blow people up with high explosives.  Even though he shall burn in the eternal fires of hell for cowardly refusing to martyr himself for the glory of Allah, he shall be missed."

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SANTA CLARA - New internet buzz-site "Spitter" recently passed rival Twitter in daily hits.

Launched in late 2008 by new nerdcomer Wallis Hanstead (a.k.a., "fREakTost") as a "unique platform.. to virtually spit on others," the site went through an amazing year of growth to surpass rival Twitter in average daily hits.

"Twitter's business model, as much as it is, is to hook an butt-load of people into basically doing online texting to a butt-load of people," said Hanstead at a recent press conference.  "We're all about spitting on stuff, that is showing our disapproval of things in a short, virtual gob.  We're all about taking all the latest trendy, hippest social-media concepts, sticking them into a blender, and barfing it back at our users to drive revenue. Think of us as Twitter's cynical big-brother."

 

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WASHINGTON - Conservative leaders today voiced their frustration over the lack of remaining "African-American euphemisms."

"We can't just keep calling him a 'foreigner,' 'socialist,' 'communist' or liberal forever," said Ted Tedders, President of the conservative Washington think-tank "StayHere.com," often called the counter-point to MoveOn.org at a local conference for conservative organizers. "We need to find new ways to avoid calling President Obama 'black,' and frankly we're running out of ideas. Even 'unnaturalized citizen' didn't stick and we all thought that was one of our best to date."

"We need bold, new euphemisms to label this President and his policies," said Newt Gingrich, the conference's featured speaker, "or we run the risk of having our code words dated and ignored. We all knew we were in trouble when we started tossing around 'commie.' Please, we need to knock that one off now: as much as we'd all like it, it's not the fifties anymore."

Read more: Conservatives Scramble To Find New Black Euphemisms